Thriving In The Chaos

I'm in Transit! Moving!

2011-07-10T22:51:00.000-05:00

Like my sister Kelly, I'm on the move to a new blog home at Wordpress. My new blog is a work in progress and I'm not fully unpacked and arranged. Almost as time-consuming as a non-virtual move!

Blogger is great, but, I like mixing things up, so I'm trying out a new home. This will probably be my last NEW post in this home, so I hope you'll add my new address to your favs or feeds:
Thriving in the Chaos!

Come on over and visit, but excuse the disarray!

The Dog Days of Summer!

2011-06-19T15:55:00.000-05:00

It's HOT! That about sums it up in my neck of the woods!! The dog days of Summer are in full force. Speaking of dog days, I thought I'd share a few photos of the pack chilling in the backyard. I use the term "chilling" loosely.

Smokey loves to sun.....but...this is almost torture!

Mac says it's never too hot to chase those annoying squirrels!

And here's my little poser. He has limited tolerance for the heat....

Unless there's a bone to chew, that is...

Can we go in now?

As for the rest of us.... Trish has a new job that looks really fun and promising. Connor, morphing into typical teenage behavior, rarely ventures out if his room except to eat, swim (once) and visit a friend.. Sam is opting for indoor activities during this triple-digit heat bubble. We took a few cute photos of the 5th grade Luau that marks the end of elementary school at Wyatt.

Limbo, Hula Hoops and Snow Cones ushered him out of elementary school and into Summer. Me, I'm catching up on things I haven't had time for during the school year, and beginning to mark things off my Summer To-Do List.

Goodbye Elementary School!

2011-06-03T08:11:00.002-05:00

How time does fly! Last night Sam graduated from 5th grade. The soon-to-be middle schooler was so nervous he dropped and crushed his glasses pre-lineup and survived the ceremonies half-blind. I hate to say it but the broken glasses probably enabled him to not pass out from anxiety while on the stage. He rocked!

This fall he will join Connor at middle school, and the only elementary schooler left will be moi as substitute teacher. That's my niche so I'm being held back.....forever! :)

We're very proud of Sam. He had a much better school experience this year and is actually looking forward to next year.

Sunday afternoon Bryan graduates from high school in San Antonio. I'm very proud of him, also. I hate missing the chance to see him as he walks across the stage, but the timing made it too difficult for me to get down and back for the last day of school here. Monday is our 'snow day'.

Congratulations to both my graduates! I'm a very proud grandma!

How quickly they Grow!

2011-05-06T22:16:00.002-05:00

I got the boys' Spring school photos this week and I'm struck with how much they've grown and matured this past year. I suppose that since Connor turned 13 last November I shouldn't be surprised that with puberty has come maturity and changes.

Sam is beginning to show signs of a burgeoning maturity, in some ways, also. With the help of therapy and the right medication we are seeing longer stretches of the sweet boy that he is, at heart. Kind, loving, bright and truly funny, it makes me smile and warms my heart to see these signs that the 'old' Sam is still there and coming to the surface. It's been a long, challenging, frustrating and often frightening couple of years with him emotionally and medically speaking. His anxiety and his severe ADHD are co-existing with less anger,aggression and volatility. There is definitely light at the end of the tunnel. I see it every day now in that sweet smile.

In a few weeks Sam graduates from 5th grade. The elementary school days will be behind us. Sam will join Connor in middle school this fall and there will be new challenges to meet. I'm ready for summer. It's going to be a somewhat bittersweet time. My oldest grandson Bryan graduates from high school, Connor will enter his last year of middle school this fall and Sam is about to graduate from elementary school. Time marches on, as it should; but, I can still see the sweet babies that they were ....only yesterday.

Picnic Pasta

2011-05-01T13:45:00.001-05:00

Recipes and cooking are more my sister Kelly's purview than mine. My daughter Trish is also a fan of cooking and trying new recipes. Last week, however, I saw the title recipe in the Dallas News and it sounded like a winner to my taste buds.

It did not disappoint. In fact, Trish made it for the second time this morning before she left for work. I'm sharing it because it's not only yummy, but also easy and not too shabby on the health charts.

Picnic Pasta

4 cups assorted grape and cherry tomatoes, halved or quartered, depending on size
2 cloves of garlic, peeled and finely minced
3/4 cup red onion, peeled and chopped very fine
12 large basil leaves, washed, dried and finely chopped (about 1/3 cup when chopped)
1 1/2 tablespoons finely chopped fresh oregano leaves
1 1/2 finely chopped fresh rosemary leaves
Fine sea salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste
2/3 cup olive oil
Juice from 1/2 lemon, strained
1 pound bowtie or fusilli pasta
1/2 cup crumbled feta cheese
1 1/2 to 2 cups chopped rotisserie chicken (optional) We love it both with and without!

Place the tomatoes, garlic, onion, herbs, SALT, pepper, olive oil and lemon juice in a large bowl. Stir to combine (may be left at room temperature for several hours before combining with pasta).

Boil the pasta in salted water according to package directions. Drain the cooked pasta and combine it with the tomato mixture. The salad may be prepared to this point several hours before serving and kept at room temperature, loosely covered. When ready to serve, toss with feta and chicken, if using.

Serves 6

Note: It's important to chop the onion very fine and to mince the garlic so that they integrate or meld with the other flavors.

It's great! I just finished a serving for lunch an hour ago.

You've Come a LONG way, baby!

2011-04-23T13:38:00.001-05:00

Wednesday evening Connor was inducted into the Junior National Honor Society at Rice Middle School. Only a year ago we would have never imagined this event for him. Due to his having Pediatric Bipolar Disorder and High Functioning Autism he has been, for 4 years, in a BSU (Behavioral Structured Unit) in the elementary and now middle school he attends.

The school setting has never been a comfort zone for this child (excuse me...YOUNG MAN) as he was easily frustrated and such an outsider when it came to his peers. It wasn't until he was in about 4th grade that the developmental differences (due to his Autism) really made us realize how significant the gap between Connor and his peers really was. Social Skills are still an uncomfortable and difficult landscape for him to navigate. Progress in this realm is still in the baby-step stage.

Over this past summer Connor began to mature and grow. As he hit the magic teenage milestone his voice had changed and puberty began to set in. He's taller than both his mom and me. And, he began to blossom academically in spite of himself.

His teachers (our heroes!) gently moved him into several "out" classes, and there will be more next year. Suddenly, the boy that hated school and had no motivation to even be in the classroom setting began to actually care about his grades and become more frustrated when he didn't make the grade he wanted than when he had to 'work'. He is now able to do homework without major meltdowns (for the most part) and he has discovered (surprise, surprise) he likes much of what he's learning. School is no longer a battle ground.

There are still struggles, and he's by no means ready to be tossed into the general education arena totally or without safety nets and life preservers. Perhaps that day will come. Right now he's stable and it's the Autism quirks that give him the most trouble. Most of his moodiness is more the puberty bugaboo than bipolar related. This is major progress.

So, what a proud family we were when we watched him be recognized for his academic achievements this week! It's been a long and difficult struggle to reach this milestone in his academic and personal life. We're looking forward to the coming challenges and progress as he continues to navigate the remainder of his academic years.

Congratulations Connor Reeves!! We love you and we're beaming with pride!

Snow Dreams Realized!

2011-02-04T10:11:00.001-06:00

OK, this is an amazing turn of events! My snow dreams have come to pass! This morning I woke to a winter wonderland!

Tuesday brought a major sleet storm and deep freeze to my little corner of the world. Monday was the first and last day of school of this week. The ice virtually closed down the area. As the temp. stayed in the teens and low 20s the ice stood its ground, didn't budge. Last night the forecast called for a light dusting of snow here to top the ice. And then......

This morning I woke to a winter wonderland!! It is simply unreal! The world around me is white and fluffy and absolutely beautiful!! Yes, it's also treacherous, since beneath the fluffy white is a dangerous layer of stubborn ice. Slip, sliding is the name of the game. Spanky loved the ice and loves the snow! I can't keep him inside. Every few minutes he barks at the patio door wanting out to romp, eat snow, play with the ice and pester the birds at the feeders. He races around the yard like a crazy dog!!! He's fun to watch!

This is not good news for Jerry's World and the impending Super Bowl and related activities. The natives are restless and a bit stir crazy with cabin fever. It's been PJ days most of the week since we're unable to get out and about.....beyond the front or back yard that is.

Tomorrow the temp will climb beyond the freezing mark and the thaw should begin. Meanwhile, I'm loving this realization of my fondest dreams. I'm locked in a beautiful winter wonderland!

And here he is wanting me to come out and play with him. Look as this face! The caption for this photo is "Look at ME!!"

All was Bright!

2010-12-26T18:41:00.000-06:00

Christmas was full of good cheer this year. With our boys, one can never predict whether gifts will be a boon or a bust. We nailed it this year! Happiness ruled the day! We began early, as in off and on from about midnight on..... I could hear Trish herding them back into their rooms from time to time with cries of "too early!!"

By 6 AM the excitement could no longer be contained and the usual Christmas morning chaos began. By 8 AM the gamers were in full force with new Wii, PS3 and Xbox 360 games. Sam wanted and got an entire arsenal of Nerf weapons, several of which were as big as he is!! Foan bullets were flying. It was fun and the fights, for once, were few and far between.

Later in the afternoon I visited with my brother and his wife at my niece's home. This was a nice finish to a wonderful Christmas Day!

Smiles were the light of the day!!!!

Santa Paws paid a visit to the pups, much to their delight!

It was a very good Christmas!

The Stockings are hung

2010-12-24T21:21:00.000-06:00

Yes, the stockings are hung, the kids are asleep, then awake, then back to sleep.... Trish and I could be up for quite awhile. Last year the boys were up at 3 AM..... I predict that sleep will be scarce this Christmas Eve.

The boys are allowed to open one present on Christmas Eve. It's one of our traditions that, frankly, makes Christmas Eve less stressful for those of us who have to endure their whining and boredom all day. Trish worked until 5; Connor played his video game and Sam and I went to Christmas Eve service at 3.

The weather was frightful, I must say. We had a cold rain all day and into the evening. We needed the rain, but I'm dreaming of last Christmas when we had a delightful WHITE Christmas! Those who know me know how I do love snow and how I loved last winter when we had a most unusually snowy winter.

La Nina has cursed me this year, I'm afraid. Last week we had an 85 degree day that smashed records. I was NOT happy! At least it's cold for Christmas, although the forecast calls for at least one 70-something day as the year draws to a close.

I think Santa is going to make a couple of little boys (not so little) happy tomorrow. Actually, Connor has the Santa thing figured out, while Sam does, too......kinda.... He desperately wants to believe. So, I told him that he can definitely believe. I said that I will always believe since Santa is the spirit of Christmas, of giving.

So, believing.... in the meaning of Christmas and the spirit of Christmas is what it's all about.

Happy Birthday Jesus, and Merry Christmas Eve to all my friends and family!

This Jolly Old Elf has miles to go before she sleeps.....

And so begin the Teenage years!

2010-11-14T19:58:00.001-06:00

We have a teenager under our roof as of this past Monday. Things will never be the same. Connor turned 13, and he is quick to remind us that he is now a teenager. Puberty, however, began to creep in over the summer, so we were more or less prepared, I guess.

The now healing black eye on the new teenager is the result of he and his brother (who has a knot on his forehead) jumping on a neighborhood kid's trampoline with more than one kid on at a time. Sam's foot smashed into Connor's head and Connor's whatever caught Sam in the forehead. Both boys had been prohibited from jumping on said trampoline due to an earlier incident that resulted in injury. Must have slipped their memories,.....

Our new teenager has been awfully grumpy as of late. I'm not sure if this is due to the new state of being or just the usual ups and downs of kid who is often unstable. Probably both. Oh joy.

I have a feeling that this kid is going to be a bit harder to contain in the little bubble he's lived in all of his life due to being bipolar and Autistic. He's never had much interest in venturing out into the world of peers or even, very often, the neighborhood. Times they are a changing....

This year he joined his first after-school club and went to his first party since kindergarten. These were milestones that we were thrilled about. However, this is a child who we can't lose sight of in Wal-mart since he wanders off to follow whatever catches his attention at the moment. The coming years will be fraught with new and, for his mom and me, uneasy concerns.

But, for now, we are getting used to the newly evolved teen who is grumpy and sleeps most of the weekend. In so many ways he's just a typical newly- minted teen. Come to think of it, the teenage years are an emotional roller coaster ride that Connor is already familiar with. He's been riding an emotional roller coaster most of his life. This might just be old hat to him.

Yep, the birthday boy is growing up. His voice is deeper and he's taller than his grandma. It seems like only yesterday he was a little fella flying around the house in his Spider-Man costume.

It was a dark and spooky night...

2010-11-01T11:17:00.003-05:00

We do Halloween as we do most holidays around here. We go all out with decorations to set the mood, to get into the spirit of the occasion. It's been a haunted house for weeks with spooky decor. The furkids are not fond of many of the sights and sounds of the season of the witch. Mac has never liked hanging objects, things that sway and dangle. Witch cackles and talking spiders that creep across the floor do not set well with any of the 3 furkids. They were not happy pooches last night. The only night they hate more is 4th of July.

The goblins that reside here were decked out for the candy crusade. Connor became a Greek Warrior for the night while Sam started out as Harry Potter, changed his mind, and with Harry's magic, morphed into a business dude, complete with facial hair. Trish escorted the candy crusaders.

I, as tradition dictates, kept the home pot brewing and handed out sweet treats to the procession of small vampires, fairies, superheros, witches, creatures and the assorted princesses, bees and lady bugs. I did this while watching a disappointing 4th game of the World Series. My Rangers got tricked, I'm afraid.

As I type, the vestiges of Halloween have disappeared into the attic or garage and the turkeys have been trotted out (thankful, as every year, that they are not live and endangered). They will preen until thanks have been given and the flood of snowmen, angels and ornaments send them off to join the ghosts and Easter bunnies. I have to admit that the season of snowmen, angels and Christmas trees are my favorite time of the year. Listening to a stuffed turkey gobbling on the coffee table makes me smile knowing that magical season is just around the corner!

Hope you had a spooktacular night!

9/11/10

2010-09-11T12:20:00.000-05:00

Today is a special day. No, I'm not talking about the horrible disaster that befell our country 9 years ago on this date. Today is my favorite and only sister's birthday!!! It was her special day before the horror of that nightmare we now remember on this day.

I remember how excited I was when she was born. I was 14, in Jr. high school on that day. I threw my books in the air with excitement on the news that I had a baby sister (already had 2 little brothers). I went to find my brother in study hall and totally embarrassed him with the news. In those days and on into high school, said brother preferred not to associate with me. When I drove him to school he always walked ahead of me so as not to be 'with' me. Sister "Cootie factor", I assume!

We lost our father when Kelly was 11, our mother when she was only 17. We've always been extra close and I can't imagine my life without her- my sister, my friend.

So, Happy Birthday, dear sister!! Today we celebrate your birthday!!!!!!

Mirror Mirror and BFF

2010-08-18T14:48:00.008-05:00

It's a slow day. We finally got a brief shower and that was a welcome relief. I managed to capture some fun photos worthy of the "awwwwwwwwwwwwww" factor.

Spanky ADORES Mac! Chews on him and is in his face constantly! However, from day one, Mac has been the member of the pack that has Spanky simply can't stay away from. Mac lets him know when enough is enough.

Mr. Curious discovered himself in the mirror while I was in here on the computer. It was too cute!

Hope the photos brightened your day!!

He Tells Me About the Tar Monster

2010-08-16T17:42:00.001-05:00

Another new poem. We shake our head at the tales that our Connor spins here and at school. They are a combination of reality, Connor's reality, fantasy and facts he's read or heard.

He tells me
about the
Tar Monster
who eats kids
whole.
One
was seventeen.
It ate an entire village.
I question
and he tells me he
Googled it
but it’s no longer there.
It scared people
so they took it away.

Columbus
and Presidents
people
his family
tree
so a teacher
informs us.
There are details
only he knows.
Nessie is real;
it’s a fact.
I learned of a bird
at our feeder
that is not found
in Texas. It’s
an Oklahoma bird
that must be lost.

He says
he sees
people we
can’t see,
and we
nod
knowing
this is not
part of his disorder.
When a therapist
questions
the details
spin
then melt
back
into the nebulous
web of his psyche.

This child
of my heart
spins
his reality
like cotton candy
on a warm day,
sticky details that
melt
with the telling,
yet,
he keeps spinning,
adamant
in the tale,
his mind
a web of
whirling fancy.
I can see him
building
thread
upon
thread
and I am mystified.

~~~~8/16/10

A Chance Encounter

2010-08-13T11:39:00.002-05:00

And yet another new poem sparked by and old, new friend and the upcoming school year.

A chance encounter
stumbled upon among half-
forgotten names in a virtual
yearbook sent me spiraling
back into musty halls clogged
with the muffled echoes of teenage angst.

Snapshots appear then
disappear into a dormant scrapbook
where images blur and bleed into each other,
the Kaleidoscope collage from a long barren field.

Memories are like sandcastles
on shifting sand--
tiny grains of truth and half-
truths watered down with the waves
of eroded emotions.

Swells of first love
and small triumphs crash
against pangs of rejection
amid tugs of uncertainty. It’s
a roller coaster of
insecurity cloaked in brash spirit--
a wobbly ride over untested landscape.

I fumble my way
among the fossils,
like a blind woman
picking the bones of a distant land,
detached, yet not…
immune to lingering echoes.

~~~8/12/10

New Poems

2010-08-12T15:03:00.001-05:00

The unbearable heat lately has forced me inside, for the most part. That being said, the heat has been good for my creative juices. I've written a few new poems that I thought I'd post.

"August"

This heat
assaults me
like the uninvited
embrace
of a stranger,
his stale breath
pressed
against my cheeks
as I blink back
the assault of an angry sun.

August
straddles
my limbs
and stifles
my soul.
Languid thoughts
drowse
on cushions
Of distant snow angels.

~~~~8/11/10

"Intrusion"

Small
shards
of
discontent
prick
my illusion
of
contentment
and
I
turn away
from
the
sting.

~~8/11/10

What if

we could go back
and rewrite
a story
or even a paragraph in time?

What if
we could insert
a word or
conversation
Into a completed chapter?

The days are blank pages
as we journey through them,
one word, sentence,
one scene at a time….

no editing allowed once the ink has dried.

~~~8/10/10

Back in time.....9th or 10th grade.

Another Chapter in My Mad World!

2010-08-04T10:48:00.005-05:00

Let's just say that life is never dull in my little corner of the world.

Friday my new computer arrived. The old trusty desktop (and I still prefer a desktop) had reached the blue-screen daily, or almost, stage and I knew it was imperative I break down and get a new one before Old Trusty was abruptly ripped off life support. Over the past year Old Trusty had slowed to a crawl and limped along while irritating and frustrating me on a regular basis. Also, my computer time had been severely curtailed due to working every day and the escalating chaos around here. Old Trusty didn't make it easy for me to spend my limited time online.

So, I broke down and got a sleek new computer with Windows 7. Love it! Also had to replace my 10-year-old deskjet and scanner with a sleek new wireless all-in-one Photosmart printer. Again, love it! Boy, has printer technology come a long was in a decade!! That was last weekend. Today is the first day I've had to really begin my relationship with Old Trusty's replacement. As usual, chaos intervened.

While replacing Old Trusty with New Hot Tech I noticed what looked like water damage around the edge of my carpet and baseboard beneath my desk. Said desk sits in front of a window where I can watch my birds come and go at the feeders off my patio. I enjoy that during the day. Anyway, I was appalled and had no clue what was causing the damage since there was no indication on the window or wall that water had leaked to cause the damage I discovered.

Oh great! Just what I needed: another, possibly expensive, issue to deal with!! I was not happy and the excitement of initiating my relationship with New Hot Tech was considerably "dampened". The floor and baseboard were dry at the time of discovery to I sprayed Moldex on the area and, on Sunday, cleaned that portion of the carpet.

As I said, New Hot Tech arrived late Friday and I was up until 2 AM on Saturday setting up and transplanting NHT from Old Trusty. The only hitch in the process was the dampened mood and undercurrent of anxiety over what the water damage meant. Saturday dawns, I take Trish to work and return to do my usual chores and cleaning of one or more fish tanks. I wanted to get all that done as quickly as possible so I could play with NHT. Like I said, however, chaos intervened.

I don't even remember the trigger at this point, but while I was cleaning the house something set Sam off and all Hell broke loose! He literally threw virtually the entire contents of his bookcases and room out into the hall and the family room area!!! I couldn't do much to stop him as he was hurling things in my direction. I got the 3 dogs out and closed Connor's room door. (Connor came out some time later, before I even made a dent in the mess, and asked..."What happened?" This is how clueless and hyper-focused he is when playing a video or computer game. Part of his Autism.). After annihilating his room Sam refused to help clean up, cussed me on the way to his mother's room where he slammed the door and remained for some length of time. I was horrified and almost didn't know where to begin with the cleanup. I had no choice as it was extremely hot outside where I had banished the dogs and I had to get them back in as soon as possible. Spanky, being a typical puppy, was sure to find all the broken bits and small Legos. Not a good idea, so I just jumped in and tackled the disaster. I probably had the dogs back inside in under an hour. By then I had gotten all the books into containers where I could pick up or sweep up the small and broken items. I spent the majority of the rest of the morning and afternoon until time to pick Trish up from work, putting his room back together, primarily all the books back in the book cases. It was one of those messes that couldn't be left to have his mother make him clean up. Book are our friends and I wanted to get them picked up and put back out of harm's way. The broken and unimportant items I swept up and threw away. I salvaged the video games and put them in Connor's room.

This, my friends, is just a small example of what life can be like with kids who have mental illness. It's not pretty and it can be very chaotic. One or more unstable kids is volatile with a 90-something chance of violent weather patterns!!

Soooooooooooo Hot Tech had to wait. Sunday I had more time to get to know the newbie. I also cleaned, as I said, the damaged carpet area and made a mental note to consult with good old Mr. Larry as to what the problem might be and who I should call to deal with it. Monday was a busy day and I never got that chance. Monday evening I had to attend to some business that my dear brother brought to my attention. It was tedious and took the better part of the evening. Some of it I had to do on the new computer and that made the going a bit slower. Office has changed in the past 7 years!

Yesterday morning, before I took Trish to work, I noticed the water-damaged area was wet again. Bummer! It also dawned on me that I'd just run the sprinkler in the area outside my window to water the container gardens. OK.... Looked like the source of the water had to do with the sprinkler right outside that window and the fact it had a 360 degree head on it which constantly sprayed my window when the sprinkler was running. The "where" it was getting in was another matter. So, anxiety rising like a tide in my belly again, I took Trish to work, stopped by the mail center and got the work I'd done the night before notarized and sent off (NOT inexpensively!), came home and called Mr. Larry.

He decided it was probably the fact that the sprinkler head constantly sprayed the window and the caulking around the outside of the window was eroded. He thought it was probably pooling in one corner and going down behind the brick, but not into the wall area. So, we replaced the sprinkler head with a 190 degree one and he re caulked the outside of the window. The cost:? A 24-pack of Miller Lite in the can, his beer of choice. He helps me out because he's the perfect next-door-neighbor and has been, along with his wife, for the entire 16 years I've lived here. Years ago, when he refused to take anything for the help he provides from time to time, I insisted and we decided on Miller Lite. Mr. Larry had come to the rescue again!

Trish is off today and has gone to Dallas with the boys for a doctor's appointment. I'm home with the furkids and relishing the alone time, a drying carpet and pad, and the chance to resume the new relationship with Mr.New Hot Tech. I took some photos of the water damage and new computer and decided to indulge in a new blog post on the newbie.

One of those Thriving in the.... days

2010-07-27T21:45:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I spent a chunk of time playing with my blog, redesigning it. Today I lived the new photo under the blog title. It was one of those mad-world days.

Sears was scheduled to come today for the second time in a week to see why the pilot light on my 5-year-old water heater keeps going out. Thank God for my Master Protection Agreement with Sears on many of my larger appliances! It's really paid off in recent years. Anyhoo.... first go round the Sears person tells me that the water heater is one of those newer "closed systems" where the pilot light is controlled by sensors and a spark, not the old light- it- with- a- lighter type of yore. Seems that's the current requirement for safer water heaters. Mine was probably clogged with whatever from the attic and kept killing the pilot light. The guy cleaned it thoroughly and told me to go up there and clean out the pan under the heater about once a month and it should be good to go.

Yeah, right. Four days later, Sunday, no hot water. As always when these emergencies arise, my good neighbor Mr. Larry comes over the gets the pilot light going again. I call and set up another repair call with Sears and that brings us to this afternoon. "Between 10 and 2 " usually translates into sometime after the allotted time.

Today got off to an early start, 5 am to be exact. Sam woke Connor and they proceeded to play computer games, complete with sound effects, yanking the entire household out of dreamland and into a waking pre-dawn nightmare. It wasn't pretty, the reaction they got.

At 9 am I have to deal with the garage door repair people who need to replace a beeping backup battery which is just difficult enough for me to defer to the experts, not to mention the costly battery that I can't run to Walmart or CVS to pick up. That set me back enough to tick me off.

Meanwhile, I'm doing things around the house, waiting for the eventual Sears person and the boys are amping up both in volume and behavior as they play some online Pirates of the Caribbean game, one on their computer and one on Trish's. It's getting to the point I'm having to try to tamp down the electricity in the highly charged room with threats of ....whatever I can think of within reason.   They are already on my you-know-what-list after the morning fiasco. I'm also trying to dodge 3 dogs running around the house, under foot as they work out the newest round of toy or chew theft from each other. Spanky is a little puppy bully and the other two bark,nip and chase him when they've had enough. I have visions of the nasty fall I'm sure to take one day. I'll be on the floor, hip or leg or arm broken, in horrendous pain, screaming for the kids to call 911..... and the dogs will keep running around messing with each other, and the boys will keep doing whatever they're doing and no one will hear me or respond and I'll still be there writhing in pain, half dead, dogs barking at me because by that time they're hungry and the boys either still playing dueling computers or so amped up they've fried each other ..when Trish gets home from work.

Deep breath............

It's nearly 3:00 pm when Sears person finally arrives. He arrives when I'm in the middle of trying to deal with a computer issue, naturally. During the time he's working in the attic I'm back with the computer problem. The dogs are outside in the heat barking at me and the boys are behind the closed door of Connor's room. That last fact eluded me until after the Sears man left. He's there about 30 minutes replacing a sensor or whatever on the water heater telling me that the reason it keeps going out and the reason it needs replacing is that there is not enough air flow in the attic to keep it lit. Didn't they tell me that when they installed it 5 years ago? NO, as a matter of fact, they never mentioned an air flow issue, nor did they tell me that this newly- required type of water heater wasn't maintenance free. I needed to keep it dust free or lint free or whatever... I should see about a fresh air system for the attic or the water heater. Call a specialty plumber, they'll know what you need.

$$$$$$$$$   ...that's what is flashing in front of my eyes as he's telling me all this crap. My stress level is rising along with the heat outside, not to mention the attic. He leaves, I let the panting dogs back in, and, again, fail to compute the closed door to Connor's room. I go online and research attic ventilation things, groan and envision a large expenditure. Then I call my trusty Mr. Larry neighbor and he comes over, checks things out and tells me I do have ventilation and it sounds like I should be fine for another 5 years, not to worry about it. I relax and as I close the door behind him I finally realize that the boys are behind a closed door.....   It also registers that I'm hearing bumps and thuds.

Connor's room looks like a hurricane ripped through it!! The funnel clouds are laughing and throwing stuffed animals all over the room. Furniture is moved around to make a fort... it's a mess!!! The boys are wired to the max!!! It barely registers that I'm in the room yelling at them!! I finally get through, Sam gets mad, grabs his mother's laptop and stomps out of the room refusing to help clean up the damage. He slams his own room door for emphasis. Connor and I proceed to wade through the mess and restore order to his room. Bless his heart, this type of effort is not his forte.   He's about as useless when it comes to order and cleaning as an umbrella in a windstorm. This afternoon he gave me hope... :)

So, it was one of those days. Both boys are peacefully sleeping in their rooms as are the three furkids, one on Trish's bed, one on Connor's and mine on the bed behind me. I'm here at the computer (which is now behaving) writing this with "America's Got Talent" on the TV in the background. Trish will be home from work soon and we'll have a good laugh about the day.

The Final Purge!

2010-07-24T14:20:00.000-05:00

Well, at least the final massive purge on the cleaning list for the summer. The above photo amounts to what's left after my two-day purge and two days of the alley scavengers helping themselves to whatever they might want and take to salvage. The pile is about half as big as the initial purge. What remains on Wed. will be hauled away by the city. I'm feeling very satisfied with all the cleaning and tossing I've done the past couple of months. This morning I tackled the last closet left undone and revisited my own closet for a final toss-out and rearranging. I still have the plantation shutters, wooden blinds and fan blades to clean in the next couple of weeks.

My daughter is on the third day of her new job and happily settling in. The sharp rise in her self-confidence is so evident it's like a neon sign! I like that! The boys are also adjusting nicely to Mom being back at work and Pammy once again being "the boss of them". :) There were issues the first day, but yesterday and today the waters are calm. My Equilibrium is feeling steadier already, and breathing is easier as the air clears. The stress level for all members of the household, human and fur, is back to healthy levels. For the time being. :)

Kings of the Earth and Odds and Ends

2010-07-16T16:26:00.000-05:00

                                                            Kings of the Earth by Jon Clinch

This is an amazing book; read it!! I read a review in my Sunday paper last week and was so intrigued I bought it and jumped right in. It springs from a true story of 3 bothers and is the work of Jon Clinch, the wonderful author whose acclaimed first novel was FINN ( the imagined story of Pap Finn, Huck's dad). Wow! I already had several HUGE stacks of to-read books, but this one grabbed me, forced me to buy and start reading. I'm loving it!!

Wed. Mr. I've-Spent-Most-of-My-Life-Of-Six-Months-In-Confinement went in to be clipped and chipped. He is, once AGAIN, confined for 2 weeks so he will heal correctly. I just don't remember having to confine my other male pups for any length of time after neutering. Times have changed, I guess. To say he's ticked, confused and chomping at the bit is putting it mildly. Poor fella. His personality is bound to be warped by all this restraint and his inability to just be a frisky, naughty, normal puppy. I'm sure he'll make up for lost time when the new prison sentence is up. He did after the 10 weeks of apres-surgery on his leg.

Today I scratched the need-to-clean-and-purge itch and tackled several fronts. I tore through the clothes in my closet with a vengeance! When it comes to clothes, especially my massive tee shirt collection, I'm loathed to let go of anything. At least once a year I stick my toe into the tee-shirt-purge effort and toss a few. Today I got serious! I also ripped through all the DVDs, VHS and game cases in both boys' rooms. I tossed all the cases that had no corresponding game/movie and organized them neatly. No, I didn't alphabetize them or anything crazy like that. I'm hardly THAT OCD!! LOL! Besides, the boys would destroy those efforts in one fell swoop!

One major job left....the garage. The crown jewel of purging this summer! I had thought the attic would win that title, but I've change my mind. It's the garage, by far. I'm already salivating and I can't even begin until late next week. Bulky trash pickup is a week from next Wed.    I've already added a few additional jobs to the to-do list, however: clean all the wooden blinds and shutters in the house. Also, clean all the fan blades in the ceiling fans.

And, on my breaks--read!! I'm over halfway through KINGS OF THE EARTH.

Morning with Sam

2010-07-11T12:58:00.001-05:00

Most mornings with Sam are, to put it mildly, chaotic, to be perfectly blunt, a nightmare! This morning was no exception. Given his severe ADHD, combined with the medications he takes, sleep is elusive and not a high priority for him. He might fall asleep early, say 9 pm, is back up an hour later and it might be 11 or so before he's back asleep. His mornings start early, jolting everyone out of bed anywhere between 3 and 6 am. When the jolt is before 5:30 or 6 am, he can sometimes be contained long enough for some semblance of extended slumber to lightly blanket us again. I use the word "slumber" loosely- "cat nap" is more accurate. Let's just say I've forgotten the last time I slept past 6 am.

Sam is loud, blundering around like an elephant, making strange noises, laughing, banging, babbling, slamming doors, cabinets and generally being a nuisance. Shocked out of sleep, the dogs begin barking, his mom yells and I stumble out of bed to get the new pup outside to do his thing. And, so, the day breaks, literally. There can be accidental or deliberate breakage, door slamming, and, if he wakes his brother (most of the time), sibling brawling. All this before the inevitable: Sam is sentenced to a couple of hours of time out. Even time out is not pretty. On a good day, calm is restored to the burgeoning day (at least for a few hours) by 8 am.

Anyway, on a creative note, I was prompted to write a poem about our morning mayhem.

Mornings,
chaos spills out
of his room
like a Pandora’s box-
furies scattering,
snatching the sleep from our eyes.

Noises
rival rush hour
in a city with no traffic lights-
honks and howls,
babbling, barking,
assaulting the pre-dawn silence.

Teeth on edge we add
a complimentary jolt of caffeine to the chaos.

On my kitchen perch,
oasis in the brewing storm,
I sit and sip
as the furies
swirl and nip
the edges of my calm.

7/11/10

This and That

2010-07-07T16:14:00.000-05:00

It's been a busy week, so far. Monday I took Bryan to the airport. We really enjoyed his visit ( first in 2 years), and, considering he's a typical busy teenager and big into sports, I was thrilled I got time with him this summer. He'll be a senior next year and it will be more difficult to squeeze in time with him!

Yesterday I spent the afternoon with my niece and her little one. They just moved about 10 minutes away and I got to see the new digs and meet Mr. Mac for the first time. They had lived in Southlake, not THAT far away, unless you're short on time to even go down the street, as I have been this past year. The one time I visited her there she was pregnant with the little man! The drive time to her old house was at least an hour.

The visit was fun (loved the new home) and Mac began to warm up to me by the time I left. As you can see by the above photo, he had NOT warmed up when this was snapped just before a sleepy baby with a strange person in the house was put down for a nap! I was laughing, Sandy was laughing and Mac was screaming bloody murder!!!! For the next HOUR, Sandy and I tried to send this photo to her dad to surprise him. It was a riot! NOTHING was working for us! Of course, in the end, we succeeded, over and over and over again. I lost count of how many times I got the photo on my phone and my email. Nick probably got it just as many time. Technology is great until it's not and gets finicky.

Today I decided to mark another clean-out and clean-up item off my to-do list. I tackled the front living and dining rooms which have needed purging for over a decade!!! They are the throw-up (keeping the metaphor alive) rooms for seasonal items that don't get up in the attic or other things that need a 'temporary' resting place.

Well, it took the better part of the day, but I was delighted to finally have it purged and clean!! The only HUGE task I've got on tap for the summer is the garage. I'm already itching to get at it! Given that my free monthly pick up for bulky items is the last week of the month, I'm not scratching that itch.....yet.

Birth of a New Poem

2010-06-30T14:55:00.001-05:00

Have you ever had an image of something swirling around in your head for days, nagging at release in some creative form or other? From time to time I see something, taste or smell something that triggers a memory from the past. It can be a smell that hurtles me into the home I grew up in or a smell that brings back one of my grandmothers.

Recently, I thought about the dress I wore at my high school graduation. It was THE perfect dress! I loved the way it fit, the way I looked and felt when I wore it. Naturally, I can't put my hands on a photo of me in the dress although I know I have several stashed away in some box or other. Anyway, I asked a couple of female friends if they ever had a "special" dress or outfit that stood out above all others in some way, for some reason. Turns out every one of them said they did.

This morning I felt the need to make time to be creative. Another half-formed poem was germinating in the back of my mind, so I sat down to bring it to life. I also needed to "do something" with THE dress. And so I did. Here is the poem that sprung from that need:

The Dress

Most women,
I suspect,
wear one dress
(or two, perhaps)
that lingers in memory
as perfection,

that gift wraps
a pearl,
one crystalline stitch
in time.

Mine
was white cotton,
gossamer-
with sleeveless bodice
of delicate pleats
tightly
cinched
at the waist,
cascading in gentle folds
to just below the knee.

Twirling before the mirror
I could find no fault
in my reflection-
a rarity, I dare say,
in the feminine psyche.

Graduation Day,
threshold of the time of milk and honey
and I was Aphrodite,
Cinderella,
cloaked in clarity
with one glass slipper atop
the translucent pattern
that paved the road ahead.

~~~Pam Patterson 6/30/10

My Three Amigos

2010-06-29T10:43:00.001-05:00

Three amigos or stooges, depending on how the wind is blowing at any given minute. We have small, taller and tallest! Number one grandson just keeps on reaching for the sky!! Soon to be 17 (July 8th), he's 6'4" and growing. Puberty has been slowly but surely morphing Connor into a looming teenager (Nov). THIS, I'm not ready for! He is now my height. Sam, on the other hand, has been doing more growing out than up this year.

Last summer was the first summer Bryan didn't have time to come up from San Antonio for a visit. It's good to have him in the pack this week. Yesterday we spent the day at Six Flags, braving both the difficult-to-take-anywhere younger two boys, and the weather. Storms were predicted but held off until we had spent the majority of the day at the park. Sam, as usual, was piss-poor the entire time. By the time we got home he was in timeout and lucky we hadn't thrown him out of the car on the way home. I rode in the back between Connor and Sam and my sanity was hanging by a thread!

All in all, it's good to have Bryan visit. Next year he'll graduate from high school and visits will probably be even harder to come by.

Clean Sweep

2010-06-27T11:44:00.000-05:00

There's just something immensely satisfying about cleaning and cleaning out. Actually, I've always been a bit of a neat freak as well as a list maker. Over the years I've managed to relax my impossible standards, somewhat, on the size of my lists and the scope and meaning of "neat" or "clean". Although I'm not always in the mood to clean the results of my efforts never fail to bring about that satisfying feeling. I love a neat and clean home. No matter the chaos or messiness of daily living that swirls about me, clean surroundings provide a necessary calmness that keeps me sane.

Since school's been out I've been binge cleaning and purging. My to-do list on these tasks is ambitious. So far, I've made huge strides in whittling down the list. The above photo shows the result of the first of my two major projects: the attic. I've been wanting to do this for several years, but it was more than I could manage by myself as there were large items like no-longer needed baby furniture that needed discarding. When my 17-year-old grandson said he was coming to visit, I recruited him as my strong man. So, Saturday morning, between my daughter, my 3 grandsons and me, Project Attic was accomplished and crossed off the list. This coming week is my 'bulky waste' pick up by the city trash collection. We get one free bulky waste pick up per month during a predetermined week. Mine, coincidentally, is the last week of the month.

Next month I plan to tackle the second major project: the garage. Due to the amount of stuff that needs to go from there I might need to make this a 2-month project so I can get things hauled away for free. Perhaps I'll wade through one side of the garage in July, the other in August.

In the several weeks since school's been out, in addition to the attic, I've overhauled my closet floor, my bathroom as well as the boys'. Also, I've cleaned out kitchen cabinets, drawers and reorganized the laundry room. My feeling of accomplishment on the clean-sweep front is soaring!

Of course, one project leads to another and I've already added new vistas to THE list: hall closet, boys' rooms and closets, dining room....... I can keep the feeling coming the rest of the summer.

hmmm....if I run out of places to purge I can always clean the blinds, wash the outside windows, meticulously dust EVERYTHING.....

I get goose bumps just thinking about the realm of cleaning possibilities!! :)

Smokin!!!!

2010-06-22T20:11:00.000-05:00

It's HOT! Just plain H-O-T!!!!!!! What a brutal start to summer we're having! Early mornings and just before dark is about all one can stand for any length of time without dragging and wilting. I feel like I"m moving in slow motion when I'm outside.

Even the new furkid is not liking the heat of the day. I have to drag his butt outside to do his biz unless the other 2 pups are headed outside. Actually, Smokey, the Beagle likes to sun in this heat. Mac and Spanky either dig in at the door and refuse to go out without a push or find the shade to pant in.

Speaking of Mac, our little explorer, back from his not-so-excellent overnight adventure after escaping through the gate the lawn service left open, he is eaten up with bug bites and miserable. The heat does NOT help his misery! What a miracle and relief to have this little lost furkid back in pack again, tho'!!!

Spanky, on the other hand, has discovered the joys of ice eating and playing. It's fun to watch him wrangle with the cubes as they melt.

Not much heat relief on the horizon, I fear. My 17-year-old grandson Bryan comes to visit on Thurs. I'm looking forward to that. First time in 2 years. A trip to Six Flags is on tap while he's here..... Someone needs to invent a portable, battery-operated AC unit. Purse size. We're sure to be Five Fried heading home from Six Flags.

Time to crank up the snow dreams...

Summer Time and the Livin' is Crazy!!

2010-06-14T17:05:00.001-05:00

"Chaos= Christ's hope amid our suffering. Chaotic circumstances are opportunities to hope and trust in Christ." (Zoe Elmore).

I got this quote off a friend's Facebook page. What a great way to think of the chaos that rules my world! Put's a whole new and positive spin on the word and the situation. I like it!

This is, officially, week 2 of my summer vacation. Last week was dotted with doctor, vet and installation appointments. This week started with a less than pleasant screening procedure (finito and good to go for 10 more years!) while tomorrow I round out the necessary-but-not-fun screenings with my annual mammogram.

Several more days this week are dotted with repairmen, pest control and the garage door annual servicing. Then, hopefully, I'm done with docs for humans, animals and inanimate objects for awhile!

Since school was out I've been on a cleaning and purging spree. I actually love to do this whenever I have the time. The BIG projects on tap this summer are the garage and attic. Both are challenges and need to be done around the set day when our trash service collects bulky trash such as that which come with the BIG clean-out jobs! I'm hoping to schedule the attic purge during the time my oldest grandson, 17, comes to visit in July or August.

The other purging projects consist of cabinets, closets and drawers, all of which can be done in small doses over the summer. Amazing how satisfying these jobs can be. I've already made headway in my closet and several cabinets and drawers in the kitchen. I've also gotten the yard mulched and the container pots planted. The fruits of these chores are some of the little joys of life.

I've always liked a certain amount of order and neatness in my surroundings. These days, when so much daily chaos abounds, cleaning gives me a certain amount of control when I can't really control what goes on around me.

It's so hot right now, there's not much going outside, just to be going outside. I water plants, feed the birds and sit out with the furkids in the early morning and in the evening. When I have the choice I run my errands early, too. Speaking of outside..

about a month ago we found our Beagle Smokey barking at butterfiles buzzing his head. What an amazing sight! Dozens of Monarch butterflies were covering one of my dying trees in the side yard. They were feeding on the oozing sap. I've never seen so many at one time! And, they were bugging Smokey who was sunning under the tree. Last night when I walked out on the patio there was a HUGE, gorgeous butterfly flitting around one of my butterfly-friendly container pots. Loved it!

Spanky's still enjoying his days as a normal pup again. He's still getting used to the routine, house and interaction with the other 2 dogs. He's feeling his oats and is one tired little pup at the end of the day. As I type he's sprawled across my bed behind me.

Freedom Rocks!!

2010-06-09T12:34:00.000-05:00

Monday was the big day....Spanky was sprung from confinement. We got word that the x-rays showed he was good to go right after lunch so he was off and running-- And I do mean running, racing around the house and yard, tumbling into anything and everyone. The puppy reprieve for Smokey and Mac (Beagle and mini Dachshund) was over. Spanky was on the loose and mixing it up with them again.

The last couple of weeks he found several ways to escape his "jails", inside and out. About a week ago he learned to climb out of said "jails". It was getting extremely difficult to contain him. A puppy wants what a puppy wants, to do what puppies do-- run with the pack, chew and nip on anything or anyone he could.

Now my arms can heal. Eight weeks of carrying him in and out of the house kept my arms shredded by his needle-sharp little claws and teeth. I laughingly referred to it as puppy abuse. This is full-day 2 of his freedom. He's back to annoying the other 2 dogs and being totally underfoot. Shoes within his reach or on the floor have to be scooped up before he takes off with one of a pair.

He's behind a bit on learning things like getting up on or off of a couch or bed if he's on them. He's also hard to scoop up as he still thinks he might be confined again. On the plus side of that issue he is happy to nap on my bed while I'm on the computer or doing things around the house. He also likes to sleep by me in the evening before I'm ready to go to sleep and he is transferred to his crate to sleep. Speaking of sleeping...this is one tired furkid at the end of the day. He sleeps like a log and sleeps later now that school's out and I'm not up at 5 am. Housebreaking accidents are few and far between these days.

Spanky is back to being a normal puppy and I'm happy to be able to enjoy him in every way. It's been a long haul since his accident, subsequent surgery and lengthy, tedious confinement. I'm happy to say he seems none the worse for wear and is reveling in his new-found freedom!

Great to have you back among the pack, Spanky U!!!!!!

Behind Bars and NOT liking it!!

2010-05-02T19:09:00.001-05:00

FREE ME!!!

Mr. Spanky, the not-so-patient patient, is chaffing at the bit to be freed from his enforced confinement! About 5 more weeks is what I estimate before the x-ray that will determine if his sentence will be commuted. The surgery for his broken leg after being trampled (accidentally) by his canine sibs went well and this past Monday he was happy to be able to get his bandage and that annoying halo off!!

The accident happened when he was trying to come in the patio door and the other two dogs were racing out said door. It was canine chaos that resulted in howls of pain! I had just come home after school and hadn't even set my purse down.

We raced off to the vet suspecting the little leg was broken. Alas, not only was it broken, it required orthopedic surgery by a specialist vet that cost a fortune! He was able to come home on my birthday, April 13. Best gift I could have asked for!

For two weeks he endured the misery of the bandage and the
obnoxious halo. (He says, "Yeah, I may look cute but this thing sucks!!) The pain meds helped.... He learned to maneuver that bandage like a pro, but, in spite of the halo, he often tried to take a chunk out of that leg!

At first he was fairly docile about not moving around too much on the healing leg, post bandage. Now, however, he is so ready to rumble that I've had to even switch indoor fencing to keep him contained to the small area required for proper healing. He also has a similar enclosure outside -- his outhouse, so to speak.

He wants to run free, chase and tumble with Smokey and Mac. He wants to resume terrorizing poor Mac who was his "live" chew toy. Mac has been enjoying having Spanky behind bars, needless to say.

Spanky has been more vocal toward Smokey, who, I'm sure was the primary culprit in the broken leg, being the heavier dog to run over him. Something tells me Mr. Spanky is plotting his revenge when he is finally sprung. Smokey beware....

It's been four weeks since the accident. Spanky is doing great in spite of being bored and antsy and ready to join the fray again. By June he should be back in action and doing what puppies do when not behind bars!

Don't Fence Me In!!!

Spring Surprise!

2010-03-21T09:11:00.000-05:00

I went to bed last night with a few flakes falling. I woke this morning to an amazing 5" snowscape!! What a delightful surprise! This is Spanky's first snow, and he has mixed feelings. It was strange but fun until Smokey decided to romp and bury him in the snow! LOL! Poor baby snowball!

This is the snowiest winter I can remember! Love it! And, though I'm ready for Spring and warmer weather this is a fun way to spend the last day of Spring Break. I certainly won't complain about spending the second day of Spring enjoying my favorite white delight!

R2D2: Most Precious Furkid #1

2010-03-09T10:39:00.001-06:00

R2D2

1997 - 2010

This morning my precious R2 crossed over the Rainbow Bridge where Bear Bear, Betty, Rusty, Maxx, Kaiser, Patches, Popcorn and all the other family and friend furkids were waiting to welcome him. Letting him go was almost more than I could bear so soon after losing my sweet baby Bear. This time was especially hard.

In 1997, 2 days before our Connor boy was born, I had to let go of my first Sheltie, Rusty, 14, who suffered a massive stroke. It was a crushing blow. A week after Connor was born I wanted to fill the void that my Rusty had left so I found a lady who had one 10-week-old Sheltie puppy left who needed a loving home. When I first saw R2 he was standing at the railing of a playpen, wagging his tail so hard I thought he would fall over. It was love at first sight. It's hard to remember a time without him now.

Connor and Sam don't know life without R2, always foraging for food, barking and having some part of his body in most every picture we ever took around here. I just assumed in my heart that he'd always be here with me, sleeping on the foot of my bed, looking for food and chasing squirrels and cars and people on the inside of the fence with Bear and Smokey. Getting old sucks; so does losing the ones your love, human or fur.

How could I lose both my beloved furkids in the space of 2 months? I don't expect an answer. Life and death happen. What matters now is how much love and joy R brought to my life. I can't imagine not having all the wonderful memories that lie on the other side of the pain I'm feeling right now. My life would have been much less rich without either R or Bear. The heartbreak of losing them both will ease in time and the memories will make me smile and laugh, not cry as I do today.

Ironically, the new pup Spanky, came to me via the lady who brought R2 into my life. Little did I know a week ago when I got Spanky that I would be losing my precious R. In spite of the pain I need to focus on the new, naughty sweet little bundle of fur. Sadly, I haven't had much time or emotional reserve to spend on him this past week of realizing my R was failing and there was nothing the vet could do.

So, this morning I had to say goodbye to my #1 furbaby. I held him and talked to him for over an hour before it was time to go. I held him in my arms as he left me. The last voice he heard was mine saying how much I love him. I told him he would be home soon and never leave again.

I have my furkids cremated and they come home to stay. Soon he will be back with us where he belongs.

I love and miss you, my precious pup, my sweet old R! You'll forever be here in my heart.

Spanky U. Rascal Patterson

2010-02-27T18:27:00.001-06:00

Meet Spanky U. Rascal Patterson!! This is the new pack member! He was born on Jan. 10 and will celebrate his 7 week birthday with his new pack family tomorrow!!

I hadn't intended to get a pupper, but my rescue puppy adoption fell through last night when the meet and greet was a totally disaster! Connor met the foster parents outside, took the leash and he and Sebastian came bounding into the house at break-neck speed! He barrelled into his mother's room where she had the Beagle and Dachshund in order to let R2 meet the puppy first. Smokey, the Beagle was terrified, started barking and never stopped until the people and pup left! It was utter chaos..

Connor, our dogs, the new dog.....it was a nightmare!!! Finally Sebastian started barking back at Smokey and lunged... I wasn't going to work.

I cried all night and was heartbroken. After talking to my vet this morning she suggested a pup might be a better fit for our pack. Found a Sheltie pup for sale in the paper and we set out to see him. Turns out it was the same lady I bought R2 from 12 years ago! Like R, back then, he was the only male left. He was and is perfect!

So far so good with bonding issues!! We've launched ourselves on a new adventure!!

Snowscape!

2010-02-12T12:04:00.000-06:00

As my family and friends know, I love snow. I love snow and I love trees. Yesterday, we had a record snowfall in this area and I've been smiling for over 24 hours!! Had to capture the snow and trees on film. Thought I'd share some of my fun winter wonderland shots!

Bear Bear

2010-01-13T16:56:00.010-06:00

Bear Bear

1999 - 2010

This afternoon I lost a precious and much loved friend and constant shadow. I had to put my sweet Bear

to sleep. There is a huge hole in the heart of this little family. Our special pup was and is much loved and

we will miss him terribly. Goodbye my sweet Bear Bear. My heart is heavy with your loss.

I know you'll be waiting at the Rainbow Bridge.

Holiday Snow, Round 2!

2009-12-29T22:19:00.001-06:00

Surprise, surprise!! Another round of holiday snow for the Metroplex! It was beautiful! Also, perfect for snowballs and snowmen. So.......... Sam and I took advantage of the unexpected white repeat. Above are the Sam and Pam Snow Peeps, below are some fun pix..

Snow Soccer

The ultimate snowball is born.....

Snowball rollin' growin'....

My snow fan

Merry Christmas Day!

2009-12-25T12:08:00.002-06:00

Merry Christmas to all my family and friends! Santa came late and Christmas came early as Santa only beat the boys by a couple of hours!! They were able to be, mostly, contained in one room or another (Trish and I got zero sleep!) until about 6 AM. It's not yet noon and the day has already lasted foooooooorever!!

Sam and I played in the snow when the sun came up. How fun to have a white Christmas Day! Thought I'd share some photos of last night and today.

Snow Bunnies and Santa Paws..

All is calm.....briefly

Snow bunny Sam

Connor chillin..

Snow Angel Sam

Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Dream of a White Christmas!

2009-12-24T14:27:00.001-06:00

Who knew??

I can't believe I'm having a white Christmas Eve!!!! And it's still coming down fast and furious! This is amazing and a dream come true for a snow lover like myself!

I haven't stopped grinning all day!

Trish, Sam and Mac Mac the cowardly snow dog

Abomnible Snow Sam.....

Merry Christmas!!

2009-12-23T14:00:00.008-06:00

Long time no post.

It's been a busy few months around here. I've been working full time as a special education crisis sub in a local elementary school. It's both exhausting and rewarding. Exhausting because I work with special ed kiddos who need a full and constantly changing bag of tricks when it comes to teaching and producing measurable results. That can mean dancing on your head or silly songs, bouncing, while counting on a mini trampoline or using hand puppets to cajole responses. What works one day or one hour might not work the next. Gotta keep that bag of tricks and reinforcers full and handy! On the other hand, the work is rewarding in that these kids grab your heart and keep you smiling and laughing.

When I get home it's *sigh* more of the same with the home team....

So, not much down time to blog or spend online. I find myself lucky if I make it through my 9 PM TV shows, much less the 10 PM news. Thank God for the DVR!! 5 AM comes all too soon.

Winter break has been a welcome respite in that I can sleep a bit later (if the boys let me) and can catch up on things I've had to let slide the past few months. This is also my favorite time of the year. I love Christmas and all the trappings!! My decorations go up beginning Thanksgiving Day and I take them down starting the day after Christmas. All, that is, but my Snowman collection that I keep in place until it's time to ring in Spring. Also, my snowmen keep my hope alive for some beloved snow!! :) Already had a small taste of it a few weeks ago. Only for a couple of hours, but it stuck and was gorgeous. Now I want more!

The boys are wild this close to Christmas. We still have believers in the guy in the red suit around here, so it's hard to contain the excitement. They have been awake and bugging Trish and me at the ungodly hours of 3 and 4 AM the last couple of mornings!!! NOT FUN!!

Today is an unseasonable 70ish and, at the moment, sunny, tho' we're due some storms and an abrupt return to Christmas temps for Christmas Eve. I LOVE the cold!

*Sigh* I hear the sounds of bickering and rough-housing boys who must want to have their names written in blood on the naughty list..

The halls are decked and the stockings hung. Christmas is coming!!!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all my friends and family!!!

Double Digits and Rainy Sundays

2009-09-13T15:19:00.005-05:00

A rainy weekend is winding down. We needed the moisture. I can almost see the grass, shrubs and flowers growing and deepening in color from 3 days of constant rain. It's also 73 degrees. Love it! Makes me think that fall and winter can't be that far away.

It's been a lazy Sunday inside. Reading, gaming and watching TV have been the activities of choice. Not to mention snoozing...as seen with Bear laid out on the end of my bed.

The rain began Thursday evening with a downpour about 30 minutes before we were to attend our first middle school open house. Along with many other water-logged parents we slid or swam into the school to run the kids' schedules. Connor is a 6th grader this year, and his transition has been much smoother than we could have hoped for. Although he ran away from school ( didn't get far as he didn't know the way home) the first day it's been uphill ever since. He decided he liked his teachers and the place wasn't that bad. Truth be told, his middle school has a top-notch special education program that will build on and expand the progress he's made in the past two years. We're delighted!

After a rocky summer and a month-long stint in Day Treatment we've gotten Sam more or less back on track for the start of 4th grade. A growth spurt and competing emotional issues resulted in a complete revamping of his medications. To his delight he became a member of the double-digit club when he turned 10 on Labor Day. I guess I've forgotten how exciting and monumental that can be for a kid: The decade milestone.

It's been a busy start to the school year for me. I've worked almost every day for the past 3 weeks. That's a good thing! I'm also out of the cast and working on being back to normal in the foot department. Still some residual tendon issues due to a summer spent in the air cast, but they are working themselves out. I've also noticed that the elementary schools opened their doors to an influx of coughing and sneezing. The classrooms are already hotbeds of germs. Large bottles of hand sanitizers and boxes of Kleenex are as common as pencils and paper.

It seems that Labor Day is the starting gate for the end-of-year sprint. I'm already seeing Halloween decorations and candy appear in stores and in the catalogs that have begun clogging the mailbox. Time flies this time of year.

As Summer Winds Down..

2009-08-06T10:44:00.008-05:00

I came home from the weekend visit with my sister to a wonderful explosion of violet on my Silver leaf shrubs. A delightful bonus from the unexpected bounty of July rainfall has been the lush green lawn and rich abundance of colorful blooms in my yard and my container gardens. Somehow, I expect we will suffer through a hot, dry August, as payment for the moist and relatively cool July. I'm up early these days and out to hand water the containers hoping to extend the colorful panorama.

Speaking of the weekend visit with my sister.... I had a wonderful couple of days sandwiched between 10 hours in the car with our struggling 9 year old. Five hours over and five hours back with his mouth running NON STOP!! When I say non stop, I mean literally non stop. He whined and cried and begged to stop at every siting of a Golden Arch. He couldn't sleep or do anything but run his mouth. There was no seat in the car that he could get comfortable in. I played musical chairs with him countless times.

Sam started Day Treatment at Children's Hospital in Dallas several days before he left for the weekend trip to Trish's dad and my sister. My sister picks me up at my ex-husband's home and takes me 45 miles away to her home. It's a convenient, brief get-away for my daughter and me. She has time with Dad and I have time with my sister. I also get a bit of a reprieve from Trish and the boys.

Sam has been really struggling this Summer. Actually, he's been struggling most of this past year. His Anxiety disorder has been competing with his ADHD and it's not been pretty! Regulating his meds has been a nightmare!! The aggression had gotten so violent that Day Treatment was the only viable option. School starts in a couple of weeks so there's not much time to spare in getting him squared away to be able to function in school.

Of course, nothing, it seems has been simple this Summer. My daughter is still looking for a job as well as dealing with the Sam issue. Several days before we were to take off for the trip she got a horrible tooth infection that almost resulted in a hospital stay to battle it. She was really miserable with pain and fever. Up until after her visit to the oral surgeon a couple of hours before we left it was iffy as to whether she would be well enough to go.

THEN, to top off the complications, as we were dropping off the 4 furkids at the vet for boarding, our Beagle had a seizure. Just inside the door. Total chaos! My daughter was panicking while Connor and I were herding the other 3 dogs into a separate room to get us away from Smokey. It's a wonder we ever left town, at that point. The vet reassured us that Smokey would be fine so we headed out to pick up Sam at Day Treatment and get on the road.

And so began the ill-fated getaway! I had a great time with my sister; Trish was pretty miserable at her dad's with Sam, her mouth and her concern for Smokey. The trip home was an utter nightmare! Trish was in pain, worried about the dog, exhausted and ready to dump us all on the side of the road. Actually, it was my car, so dumping me wasn't an option. :) Sam was worse than on the ride over. Added to the mouth were tics and involuntary movements of his hands and legs.

Smokey is fine and temporarily on Phenobarb. for the seizures. They were probably a reaction to the stress of being boarded and we were cautioned that he might be better off with a dog sitter next trip. Oh joy! The other 3 pups came home with no signs of PTSD. My two were freshly groomed. They are Shelties and need bathes after being boarded for a few days.

Sam is back in Day Treatment and the new meds he was on are now gone as he had horrible reactions to both! Back to the drawing board on that front. *Sigh* Trish had her final trip to the oral surgeon this morning and found out the infection that nearly did her in was a nasty Staph Infection! Glad she got that nipped before it went out of control!

I'm hobbling around in the final days of my 'boot'. I'm allowed to be out of it for several hours a day as I wean myself off it. Any significant pain and I'm back in it for the rest of the day. When I go back to the doc on the 21 I hope to be out of it totally. That's the game plan, anyway.

Soooooooooooooooo..... it's been a long and rather difficult Summer around here. I say "long", but it also seems like it's been too fleeting now that school is on the horizon. There are going to be some significant transitions when it comes to both boys on the school front. Connor enters middle school and we anticipate the likelihood of initial issues. Hopefully, not, and, if so, short-lived. Sam is due to be given more tests and placed where they think he will do best. Last year was a nightmare with him and the anxiety/ADHD issues. If the meds get straightened out the test results should help put him on a successful path for 4th grade.

I'm hoping for the abundance of sub jobs I was blessed with last school year. Two long-term subs positions in Special Education Depts. kept me busy most of the year.

Thus, August begins on a hopeful note. Let's hope the job horizon is fruitful for both my daughter and myself. I'm praying that Sam will get straightened out and on firmer footing for the coming school term. Connor is stable. I pray that he stays that way and surprises us with a rather smooth transition into the realm of middle school.

Once Upon A Scoop..

2009-07-20T10:42:00.005-05:00

There are certain necessary chores that are less than desirable, especially when done on a daily basis. When there are four furkids in your pack scooping poop is a necessary nasty. However, if embarked upon with the right mindset, this chore can be elevated to a creative endeavor. The result of one such creative endeavor is the unlikely poem below. It also proves that creative energy can be found in the most unexpected places.

Scooping poop
once or twice a day
is a bit like hunting
Easter eggs.
After awhile
you know which dog
laid which egg,
learn which
grassy nest is prime
for a find.
You also learn which
canine culprit snagged
the unexpected prize--
some tasty morsel left
by messy kids, or the
sneaky snag from an uncovered
waste basket.

A less than desirable chore
becomes a quiet time
to muse upon
the less profound,
to turn, perhaps, a
phrase about
the curious comparison
of poop and Easter eggs.

~~Pam Patterson, champion scooper

Two New Reads!

2009-07-08T11:21:00.007-05:00

I've got two new books to dive into this week! Both looks yummy. "The Bolter" sounds really intriguing, while "The Crowning Glory......" is by an author I thoroughly enjoy! Check them out for yourself. Both are displayed on my Shelfari shelf below.

July 5th

2009-07-05T11:31:00.004-05:00

The best laid plans.....

We haven't had much luck the past few years when it comes to firework's watching. The boys are too unruly to drag to any of the festivities that precede any of the local fireworks. So, what we try to do is find a place close to the fireworks venue where we can park the car, get out, let the boys burn off energy and watch the display.

The last couple of years have been disasters! We always pick the wrong place or the wrong time for viewing. The boys have fits so we leave.

This year was no different.

We chose a prime spot for viewing, along with many other cars, and got there around the time the fireworks were supposed to take place. We sat and waited. The boys started grumbling about the heat and having nothing to drink, bathroom issues, yada, yada..... A few cars gave up and left. The boys kept bitching, Trish and I kept hoping. More cars left.

Some half hour after the display was supposed to take place the boys were so disagreeable we gave up and left. Trish and I laughed and I kept looking back in case of a sudden burst of 4th fanfare.

The boys were worn out and crashed as soon as we got home. Trish took her dogs out for a last chance to pee. She came back in laughing. Murphy's Law: The fireworks display had finally begun! We could hear it and see parts of it through the trees while standing in the backyard.

We stood and watched until the skeeters started attacking. Needless to say, the decision was made to NOT tell the boys about the missed fireworks. We'd had enough of the "this-is-the-worst-4th-EVER!" mantras to last until next year.

However, we now know the best place to drive for viewing, know to take water, have bathroom runs before leaving, and we know to just wait it out. Wait long enough and they will come....all showy and worth the wait!

The Seed and Song Bird Buffet

2009-07-03T15:00:00.018-05:00

Thanks to my friend Marion for her inspiration to grab my camera and head outside.

My container gardens grow wild and free with the additon of a few new inhabitants each Spring. I like container gardens because I can move, rearrange or add to them with ease.

The container garden off my patio is my favorite and forms the pathway to The Seed and Song Bird Buffet. The centerpiece of the Buffet is The Feeding Tree, my wonderful Oak (to be honest, one of my few remaining trees *sigh*). The photo above is of the entrance to the favorite gathering place of my many feathered and furried friends and passing visitors.

Wee people watch over my gardens. Their cottages and castles nestle among the folliage.

Here we have a tiny caretaker's cottage at the entrance to the garden.

Bunnies and butterflies dance around a pot of Mexican Heather. Real butterflies are frequent visitors to my welcoming blooms.

The garden fairies slumber through the heat of the day shaded by a blanket of Heather.

Sun-dappled mushrooms and cranes reside at the edge of the Seed and Song Buffet.

A corner birdbath offers refreshment to the many visitors.

A giant mushroom provides a perch as well as a possible exchange with the resident garden gnome.

The Feeding Tree is at the center of the Seed and Song Bird Buffet. Evening viewing is a feast of delightful entertainment. Squirrels are the frequent uninvited guests, while Jays are rowdy, unruly and in need of the blackbird bouncers.

Sparrows and Wrens are the noisy busy bodies. Their fractious frenzies remind me of troublesome teenagers.

My favorite guests are the Doves. Watching them, day after day, for years is like observing human communal activity. The social....and antisocial interaction is not that different from us.

Last but not least are my last-to-come-last-to-leave visitors: the Cardinals.

I enjoy my songbirds, cooers and my squawkers. I don't mind the occasional crow and delight in the passing ducks, Egrets or wild Parakeet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Seed and Song Bird Buffet is always open.

Booted!

2009-06-23T18:58:00.004-05:00

OK, I'm getting the hang of this Air Cast boot. Adjusted it better this morning and, for the most part, have been on my feet all day. I have a problem just languishing in bed or staying seated for any length of time. NOT my thing! Besides, too much to do to let this thing hamper me or slow the pace that much.

I also found out that there's no need to remove the cast to drive. I had no problems driving with it on today. Wasn't awkward at all. Maybe it's my vehicle. Don't know; just know it's MUCH more convenient to keep it on instead of taking it off and on while running errands!!

The foot did start aching and the cast rubbing toward the end of the afternoon. I discovered that resting a few minutes, loosening the boot, then readjusting and moving around again helped tremendously!

So, I can live with this for 6 to 8 weeks! In the grand scheme of things it's VERY minor!! As my sister reminded me, I could be in a plaster cast!!! YIKES!!! Now that would REALLY suck!!

I hope no one ticks me off that much. I could do some serious damage with this thing! :)

UH OH!

2009-06-22T20:41:00.002-05:00

This will be short and NOT sweet! Stress fracture on my right foot. Walking in an air cast for the next 6 to 8 weeks.

Could be worse, but.....been on it all day and even an air cast is NOT COMFORTABLE!!!

Have to remove it to drive, as the fracture is on my right foot. It also comes off for bed and showers. Need to ice the foot every night before bed.

Yuck! This is not fun!

I have to find ways to keep it from rubbing.

No choice but to adapt.

Reading Mode

2009-06-21T14:32:00.002-05:00

An enjoyable activity I've engaged in during the two weeks since the end of school is settle into reading mode. I tend to do this in the summer. On my Shelfari below are 3 books I've just finished and thoroughly enjoyed!

I don't tend to do "light" reading in the summer months. I, rather, gravitate more into the darker reads. Gillian Flynn's two novels are perfect examples of dark and delicious reads! Not for the faint of heart, but worth curling up with for icy shadows! Flynn could be Stephen King's daughter! :)

The other book, by Scott Blackwood, is not as dark, but haunting in a lazy ride down a tangled river of people and time in an Austin suburb. What a wonderful writer, what a way with words this man has!! Loved it!

So, if you're tired of the lighter fare and still want a good way to spend an afternoon or night or two ( WARNING: Flynn's books are of the can't-put-down-until-the-end category!) I recommend any and all three of these page turners!

At the moment I'm half-way through BONEMAN'S DAUGHTERS by Ted Dekker. Again, not for the faint of heart!

Rocky Road

2009-06-21T11:17:00.007-05:00

The summer is off to a rocky start. Connor graduated 5th grade a couple of weeks ago. It was a rocky graduation day for him-- sensory overload and overstimulating. He didn't make it through the entire ceremony or after party. He did, however, have a blast the following day, last day of school, at the annual 5th grade Luau.

Trish hasn't found a new job yet and Sam is out of control. VERY out of control. *Sigh* I'm already losing my mind and stressed to the max!

Here's Sam at his end-of-year party. Looking Angelic......

Trish and the boys on Connor's graduation evening. Connor's stress level was already rising...

Connor and his teacher at the Luau, where he's having fun!

My right foot started hurting the last couple of weeks of school. I limped around work every day thinking it would go away at some point. It didn't. In the past week or so the pain has gotten intense and the top of my foot is swollen. I had to stop my daily walks. I still have errands to run and things to do around the house and yard, so, staying off the foot hasn't been an option.

~~~~~~~

Finally I broke down and made an appointment with a foot and ankle clinic for tomorrow morning. I suspect it's a stress fracture. At this point, I just want to have it fixed so that I can move around without every step making me want to scream.

~~~~~~~~~~

*Sigh* I want Trish to find a job, SOON! I want Sam to shape up, or at least, become more manageable. Connor, bless his heart, is just fine, holed up in his room most of the day playing his video games or reading. I envy his ability to just tune out the rest of the world and the chaos around him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I need a break. And, I don't mean my foot.

~~~~~

A poem I wrote several years ago that expresses my current mood. It's about boundaries.

Our boundaries collapse
into each other
like a house of cards,
mother, daughter
under one roof.,
raising two children.
Mother
grandmother
daughter-
the roles bleed into each other.
Control yo-yos,
resentment builds
and spills over
into the landscape.
We scramble to reclaim
and repair the sense of order.

Family Fun!

2009-06-15T13:16:00.004-05:00

Well, the family reunion was fun for all concerned! Three of the cousins bonded over Pokemon and became fast friends. On this end cousin withdrawal has set in. Check out the 3 stooges above!

As for me, I loved visiting with the sibs and meeting new family members. There were babies and baby-to-be as well as a couple of spouses I met for the first time.

Life is too short to go this long before reconnecting with my brothers and sister again.!

At least I'll see my sis again before the summer's over!!!

Summertime Blues

2009-05-30T13:20:00.004-05:00

Can you tell I'm ready for school to be out for the boys and me next Friday? I am sooooooo ready!!!!!!!

Summertime Blues

Lounging on the patio,
feet up, fan snarling at beads of sweat
that threaten to tickle my scalp,
I watch them:

Sunbaked Siblings sweat
testosterone rivalry as they slip
and slide into the pool
and each other.
Shrill laughter darts in
and around the jumble of gleeful voices.

The fan’s hot breath chases
escaping tendrils of hair. They sting
my cheeks and eyes in retreat.

Panting dogs circle the pool
and me in search of relief, or liquid, or
the simple need to round up the straggly pack.

A purple umbrella shelters me
from the insistent glare of a probing sun
as listless ice cubes sink into the tepid sea
of lemonade. It sweetly beckons a buzzing fly
as I watch through the streamers across my eyes.

And so begin the days of heat and sweat,
the endless hours of water fights, water guns, sticky hands,
stinging flies and eyes. Ushered in by sun-screened boys
a wave of summer joy douses my desire for snowflakes,
dampens my lingering dream of frostbitten breath and tongues of firelight.

My sigh is lost in a gurgle, choked-off by a well-aimed stream of little boy glee.

Pam Patterson © Summer 2003

The Past Not Taken

2009-04-27T19:28:00.002-05:00

This is a quirky poem I wrote sometime ago and tinkered around with the past few days. So, for what it's worth (since National Poetry Month is winding down).......

I fall back
through past chapters
of my life, slip
into a sea of change.

Fabric along the shore
feels rough and knotty and so
I pluck a thread, here
and there
a thread
to smooth the way.

And as I pull and pluck
the past flies out of kilter
slips its bounds and
slides away.

I grasp for the familiar
as, like bright balloons
set adrift
in winds of time,
they drift off and out of rhyme and place.

I have loosed the fabric of my past,
unraveled time
and space
and place,
set sail on a course
unknown and out of bounds.

There is no traveling
back
to the place
before I fell
into the muck with my need
to pluck, retouch and refine
what was mine in all its rough-hewn glory.

My story, it belonged to me,
and only me, a journey writ
one page at a time, one blank page
at a time, where one can only edit
in present and future tense.

Like drifting balloons
treasured faces of the past
sail away from tomorrow.
Frantically, I reach
for what has slipped away,
to no avail.
A new course
unwinds
before me.

I stumble
among the paths not taken,
unfamiliar vistas, unknown faces.
With a heavy heart,
like Lot’s wife spared,
I set out blindly
in a desert of regret.

~~Pam Patterson

2009-04-22T08:36:00.002-05:00

My own poem I wrote about Sylvia Plath:

"Dying
Is an art, like
Everything else.
I do it Exceptionally
Well."

~~Sylvia Plath ("lady Lazarus")

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Girl Who Wanted To Be God

The bald fist of English winter
pummeled your soul.
It would not, would not,
cease the pounding,
lift or pull away.

You vaulted
humdrum walls,
shrinking around you.
What ultimate God-stare
prompted you to seal the door,
to climb into the tomb?

O surreal enigma!
Spouting dark dirge-consonants
that goaded your final triumphant blaze-
a controlled head-trip of pure motion
hurtling you into the eye, that red-eye magnet
long drawing, burning

in your brain, your veins, until
it consumed your flesh.
A bitter triumph, they say,
a brainstorm from which you failed to return.

O ironic victory!
When the fat black heart ceased its beat,
the virgin queen rose, reborn in God's eye,
liberated from her bald wax-tomb.

~~~~~Pam Patterson

And, one I wrote about a bleak time in my own life....

Aborted Reason

Slice-and-dice sound bites
chew on the worm-germ
infesting my slippery skull.
The vapid hunger feeds on itself.
Like an aborted cancer clinging to life
it crawls back into the belly
hook-pricks along its raw umbilical.

O the sweet-meat of death dreams:
tempting vapors that swirl and curl
deep into the night nostril.
Mad-mother wakes to the wail of her fetid fetus.
Contractions contort the brief sanity-slivers
that pierce the counterfeit labor pangs.

I am a victimless rape victim.
The bloody seeds of sanity
spill out from my spread-eagled soul.
The crime is mine. I asked for it.
I nurture the beast that feeds
deep in my fertile skull-womb.
I whored my shaky psyche
for a willful dance on reason’s edge.

~~~~ Pam Patterson

Yellow and Red

2009-04-22T07:48:00.002-05:00

Two poems from Sexton and Plath. As I have said before, the images are harsh in their beauty. Each stroke of their pens or typewriter keys are laced with vivid defiance. Having read their numerous biographies I'm always captivated by the beauty extracted from their pain. Where Sexton is untamed an unstable free spirit, Plath is tightly wound, ever coiled and chafing against her self-imposed constraints.

YELLOW

When they turn the sun
on again I'll plant children
under it, I'll light up my soul
with a match and let it sing, I'll
take my mother and soap her up, I'll
take my bones and polish them, I'll
vacuum up my stale hair, I'll
pay all my neighbors' bad debts, I'll
write a poem called Yellow and put
my lips down to drink it up, I'll
feed myself spoonfuls of heat and
everyone will be home playing with
their wings and the planet will
shudder with all those smiles and
there will be no poison anywhere, no plague
in the sky and there will be a mother-broth
for all of the people and we will
never die, not one of us, we'll go on
won't we?

~~~~~~~~~Anne Sexton

POPPIES IN JULY

Little poppies, little hell flames,
Do you do no harm?

You flicker. I cannot touch you.
I put my hands among the flames. Nothing burns.

And it exhausts me to watch you
Flickering like that, wrinkly and clear red, like the skin of a mouth.

A mouth just bloodied.
Little bloody skirts!

There are fumes that I cannot touch.
Where are your opiates, your nauseous capsules?

If I could bleed, or sleep!--
If my mouth could marry a hurt like that!

Or your liquors seep to me, in this glass capsule,
Dulling and stilling.

But colourless. Colourless.

~~~~~~~~~~Sylvia Plath

An Exercise in Futility

2009-04-21T21:20:00.003-05:00

This is a poem I've had in the works for a few years, actually. I get a thought or a phrase or the germ of a poem and I put them into a file. Periodically, I revisit these dormant seeds. Sometimes I discard one or even an entire file. Other times I nurture one of the seeds and see how it grows. This is a fledgling bloom that I feel sure I will revisit and rework from time to time.

I study the smiling photos of
a five-year-old Spiderman grinning,
web slinging into the camera.
I look for shadows
that surely lurked,
like the villain he pretends to slay,
in the corners of his mind or
the curve of his smile.

When did the shadows
creep into his burgeoning psyche
and how did I miss it? One day
the laughter was too shrill, too
over the top, for too long before
the trip down--fast, furious
and frightening. He was tethered to an
out-of-control bungee cord,
furies unleashed.

Searching the photos for clues
I catch a glimpse of five,
white sunshine frozen in time.
I close Pandora’s box knowing
it’s too late to go back.

~~~~~~~Pam Patterson

Olds and Sexton

2009-04-21T18:59:00.004-05:00

I have every book of poems that Sharon Olds has published. As I've said, she's my mentor when it comes to amazing poetry. I'll share one of my favorites (one of my MANY favorites) from her book THE FATHER.

CLOSE TO DEATH

Always, now, I feel it, a steady
even pressure, all over my body,
as if I were held in a flower-press.
I am waiting for the phone to ring,
they will say it and I will not be ready,
I do not have a place prepared,
I do not know what will happen to him
or where he will go. I always thought
I had a salvation for him, hidden,
even from myself, in my chest. But when the phone rings,
I don't know who he will be, then,
or where, I have nothing for him, no net,
no heaven to catch him-he taught me only
the earth, night, sleep, the male
body in its beauty and fearsomeness,
he set up that landscape for me
to go to him in, and I will go to him
and give to him, what he gave me I will give him,
the earth, night, sleep, beauty, fear.

~~~~Sharon Olds

And...from one of my two favorite, most intense, possibly, most unstable confessional poets, THE RISK by Anne Sexton. Both Sexton and Plath, my other favorite, were, in spite of being unstable, suicidal and immensely self-centered, were incredible talents. Often harsh and rarely subtle, their images seem to bleed into the pages.

THE RISK

When a daughter tries suicide
and the chimney falls down like a drunk
and the dog chews her tail off
and the kitchen blows up its shiny kettle
and the vacuum cleaner swallows its bag
and the toilet washes itself in tears
and the bathroom scales weigh in the ghost
of the grandmother and the windows,
those sky pieces , ride out like boats
and the grass rolls down the driveway
and the mother lies down on her marriage bed
and eats up her heart like two eggs.

~~~~~~ Anne Sexton

Unfinished Business

2009-04-16T19:27:00.004-05:00

In response to my Sister's recent post on her blog about survival in the face of loss, this is a poem I wrote while trying to come to grips with Mama's death and her reaction to my father's death 6 years before. After Daddy died, as Kelly said, her mantra became her wish to only live long enough to see Kelly grow up. The power of negative thinking? Perhaps. I just know that, before all was said and done, I had a lot of anger to deal with in my grieving process after Mama died. How sad that Mama had begun to enjoy life again when she found out she had Cancer.....

Unfinished Business
(For my mother)

I don’t think you realized
the force of your words,
the power of negative thinking
that carried you through
until fate granted your wish.

The day the call came
saying you’d slipped away
I’d been watching sparrows
dive into the reflected world
of my windows,
stunned by the force of reality.
After Daddy died
you curled up inside him,
left us, except for your youngest,
her graduation your expiration date.

What of my son, first grandchild,
the one you clutched as your own,
who crept under the wing you spread?
He curled up in silence
when I told him you were gone.

What of the grandchildren who will know you
by photos and secondhand memories?
Three months ago I stood in for you,
held your youngest’s first child
through her first night at home,
the warmth of new life against my cheek.
Feeling the tiny wings of her heartbeat
I thought of the sparrows
on the day of your death.

When the phone rang
I knew you were gone,
my sister’s graduation
only days in the past.
How many times had your wish sliced our hearts?
The Cancer that severed Daddy
so suddenly from our lives
chewed up your body,
organ by organ,
spit you out of our world
right on schedule.

In that moment before flight
did you turn to confront the love
that couldn’t hold you here?
When you severed the ties,
slipped out of your pain,
did you briefly pass through ours?

~ Pam Patterson

Too Close to the Bones of Your Death

2009-04-12T14:22:00.005-05:00

A special friend has been on my mind lately. He died of Cancer a few years ago. As I flipped the TV channels earlier today I glimpsed a golfer at the Masters. It reminded me how much he loved the game. In honor of my friend's memory I thought I'd share, again, a poem I wrote after learning of his death.

Too close to the bones of your death,
I think, to excavate the burial site.
How does one objectively pick apart
memories while dusting off raw emotions?

They say the cancerous beast fed quickly,
sucked dry any marrow of respite. Reality, it seems,
pulled the plug on a negotiable checkout time.
You, who ate life like candy, would not waste away
on a sugar-free half-life of hope.

I see you spinning in a kaleidoscope of moments,
captured grains at the bottom of an hourglass.
The dust will settle, in time, I know.
A slow-motion slide show is best viewed
when the bones are catalogued and safely under glass.

© 2003 Pam Patterson

Hope Anita Smith

2009-04-09T16:30:00.007-05:00

I have discovered a wonderful new poet! Well, new to me, anyway. Hope Anita Smith. The book of poetry I just bought (sent a copy to my sister) is called MOTHER POEMS. I thought I'd share one that spoke to me. It's amazing!

Duped

Everybody talks about
Death.
The thief who takes away people you love.
Kidnaps them.
Grabs them from their beds as they sleep.

Sometimes he waves wildly,
yells a big hello.
As if you know he’s coming.
As if you sent him an invitation.

And sometimes he seems to
hurl himself through space and
(like Dorothy’s house in The Wizard of Oz)
lands with a thud on some
unsuspecting someone.
And then they are gone.

But occasionally,
he sneaks up on you,
taps you on your right shoulder,
and when you turn to look,
he reaches over your left
and takes your mother.

It was the oldest trick in the book.
I can’t believe I fell for it.

Passages

2009-04-07T19:51:00.005-05:00

This is in response to my sister's wonderful post about our parents, siblings and extended family. This is the title poem of the poetry chapbook (by the same name) I had published a few years ago. As we get older, the family connections get more precious and more fragile. At some point, many of the more endearing are but tendrils of memory.

As we lose the pieces of our past,
Person by person,
As we cut the cords,
One by one,
Of our invulnerability,
We are left to wobble
Uncertainly
In the vast realization of our own mortality.

In Honor of National Poetry Month

2009-04-05T20:25:00.006-05:00

A poem by one of my favorite poets, Sharon Olds:

The Talk

In the sunless wooden room at noon
the mother had a talk with her daughter.
The rudeness could not go on, the meanness
to her little brother, her selfishness.
The eight-year-old sat on the bed
in the corner of the room, her irises distilled as
the last drops of something, her firm
face melting, reddening,
silver flashes in her eyes like distant
bodies of water glimpsed through woods.
She took it and took it and broke, crying out
I hate being a person! diving
into the mother
as if
into
a deep pond--and she cannot swim,
the child cannot swim.

~~Sharon Olds (from Strike Sparks)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And, one of my own in the same vein.....

Stale words
in stagnant pools
sink into a lifeless sea of drivel.

I’ve said it all before.
You turn a deaf, defiant ear;

Ruffled feathers
beat me back--
a safe distance.

You dance around
the sting of my words.

You’ve yet to really hear.

~Pam Patterson

Behind His Eyes

2009-04-05T19:50:00.005-05:00

One of my own, one of my favorites in honor of National Poetry Month.

(For Connor)

Behind his eyes,
blue as the sky on a summer day
turmoil churns like
a wall cloud before the
tornado drops.
To decipher the emotional landscape
is to probe the depths of uncharted territory.

I’m no cartographer.

I tread gently, blindly.
I fumble as I try to read the Braille of his psyche;
but, I can’t see past the shadows.
His highs and lows rise and dip
like an unstable weather pattern
where sunshine belies the coming storm.
A bright smile and clear eyes can spin off
into ominous gales.

I reach for the shards of light. Perhaps
a clue, perhaps…

Too quickly the shadows appear, again.
Just when I think I can forecast the triggers,
pinpoint the offending cloud, the light shifts
and I’m caught blinking helplessly in the clarity
of my ignorance.

~~~ Pam Patterson © 2006

A "Wii" Bit of Family Fun!

2009-03-26T19:15:00.003-05:00

I'll be 65 in a couple of weeks. Even got my official Medicare card in the mail yesterday. I decided to treat myself on this momentous birthday with a Wii Fit . The boys got a Wii for Christmas, and it's a fun deal. I had no idea how MUCH fun until Tuesday evening!

The Wii Fit arrived and I set it up just to explore and see what it was all about before dinner. Seems the first thing required was to have each Mii (just what it sounds like..a mini-me avatar. That's us in the photo!) we had created go through a body test that stores info like our BMI (body mass index), weight, COB (center of balance), strength, etc. and let us know what our "fitness age" is as we begin with our training.

Well, after each of us did said requirements we had lots of laughs at the fact that we were ALL 50-something in fitness age. Fossil that I am, I had the best fitness age based on my stats. NOT that it was saying that much! My fitness age is "55".

After all the info is stored and we're lectured we get to pick a trainer (male or female) and begin training. The training categories are strength, balance, aerobics, and Yoga. And so we began.....

NOT as easy as it looks, folks!! Fun, but work , and just not as simple as I expected!

We had a blast! For a couple of hours we did things like run, walk a tightrope, hula hoop, snow ski and jump. We did step dancing. We unlocked new moves and new games! I can't remember the last time we had this much fun as a family. We laughed, bragged, moaned and groaned as well as heard the occasional cries of "NOT fair!" or "he's being mean to me!" or, even, "He called me a loser!" Man, oh man, the competitive nature bubbles up, big time!

People, this is the fun way to exercise as well as share some family fun! With interests as diverse as the crew around here, Wii Fit is a real rally-round togetherness activity.

And...

It's also fun when you're home alone.

I had the house to myself today and I ended up spending nearly two hours doing Wii Fit. Hey, I burned calories and unlocked a number of new exercise games! Even unlocked a boxing game that's a blast!! And, to top it off, my body test before logging off the game showed I'd lost a pound since Tues!!

Wii Fit rocks!

Life's Funny Like That Finito Fiesta!!

2009-02-18T20:38:00.003-06:00

Here's tossin' the confetti and whackin' the Chemo Pinata as Debby rolls out of the last chemo!!!!!!

The Margarita machine is cranked and ready to churn out some celebratory umbrella drinks!!

It's been a long and challenging journey, but the end is in sight! I'm toasting you my dear new friend as you take this final step into the rest of your life!

Congratulations and blessings, my dear Debby!!!

My prayers are with you!

The Great Escape!

2009-02-12T19:36:00.002-06:00

Connor ran away from school yesterday.

Yep, he ran away and made it almost to the garage door before a couple of the teachers caught up to him in a car. Other teachers had fanned out over the various routes he might have taken to get home.

It's TAKS testing prep time at the schools around here...courtesy of Bush's "No Child Left Behind" policy. As if these dreaded standardized tests, beginning in the 3rd grade, and, basically "taught to" the entire year, are true measures of a child's knowledge. Anyway, the pressure is really on, and every kid is a little bundle of anticipatory anxiety.

Connor, who has, for the most part, been in a really sweet spot as far as stability goes for the past year, has been getting rocky on the school front. Getting frustrated, upset and having meltdowns has been a stable the past week or so. Yesterday it all came to a head.

He had a meltdown and went to the "think tank" to calm down. When the teacher in his contained classroom turned her back to address another student, Connor slipped out of the room, headed out the door, across the playground and headed for home.

I'm not really sure how everything transpired at that point. I was teaching at a school several blocks from home. Connor's school, as policy dictates, called Trish, called the police and various staff were dispatched to look for him in, around the school and beyond.

All Trish knew when they called her at work was that he was missing. She panicked, headed home trying desperately to think of the name of the school where I was subbing. By the time she remembered the situation was resolved. I got the call well after the fact.

She arrived home to Connor, 4 policemen and a bevy of school staff members. It was sheer chaos. Connor was made to go back to school to finish out the day. His teacher was still shaken when I talked to her some hours later after I got home.

Needless to say, when Trish called me at school I nearly buckled at the knees thinking about all the "what ifs"!! With Connor's HFA tendencies in addition to his other issues, he isn't attentive to basics like crossing the street properly or not wandering off in stores, etc. I had no clue he could even find his way home. I was wrong.

None of us had any inkling that Connor would ever even think of doing something this drastic and frightening! It took everyone, school staff included, by surprise. Even his physician was surprised when I talked to him later in the day. Unfortunately for all concerned Connor has enough PDD issues to be more concerned about how all this affected him and his privileges than the seriousness of the incident. He has been told that if he ever pulls another unsafe stunt like this he will lose the privileges that mean the most to him: His video games.

He had some silly idea in his head that he was going to just stay home, play video games and wait for me to get home from school. He wasn't planning on going back. He said he hated everyone there and was not going back to school...ever. He did.

We have to think about ways to reinforce the dangers of this kind of action with him. I seriously doubt it will ever be an issue at his elementary school again this year. However, we all worry about him pulling this kind of stunt in middle school next year.

I think we've been lulled a bit into slacking off our guard with Connor due to this sweet period of stability he's been in for awhile. It followed a really rocky period with the hospitalization where the possible molestation issue arose. This, my friends, came out of the blue!

I must say that I still won't go to the "what ifs" in my head. I don't want to think about the things that could have happened to him on the way home. It scares me that he just took off, no thinking about consequences. This is new and it's scary. He has the judgement of a child much younger. He's too trusting and too unaware of things around him. He's vulnerable in so many ways.

We all survived the great escape. The adults will be more vigilant and there will be more emphasis on the consequences of such actions.

While we will be on our toes with Connor, we are also dealing with the increasing anxiety in Sam that has spilled over into the classroom and every other area of his life. In the last few months his issues have risen to the top of the heap and things are boiling over...

It's like we're in the eye of the storm. We've moved out of Connor's turbulence, taken a couple of breaths, and now we're headed into the building Sam Storm. What's the name of my blog again? Oh, yeah..."Thriving in the Chaos".... I need to concentrate on the "thriving" part....

Behind His Eyes

2009-01-30T14:10:00.002-06:00

My sister alerted me to a fellow blog friend's entry this week that touched on the roller coaster life of a family with a bipolar child. This journey we are on is fraught with frustration, heartbreak, challenges that often seem insurmountable. There are also many joys and milestones along the way. Our Connor just had his first real triumph, recently. I shared his spelling bee success with my friends and family on here.

I thought I would share, once more, the poem I wrote for and about Connor several years ago. I think it touches a chord in any family member who lives with a child or adult who has bipolar disorder.

(For Connor)

Behind his eyes,
blue as the sky on a summer day
turmoil churns like
a wall cloud before the
tornado drops.
To decipher the emotional landscape
is to probe the depths of uncharted territory.

I’m no cartographer.

I tread gently, blindly.
I fumble as I try to read the Braille of his psyche;
but, I can’t see past the shadows.
His highs and lows rise and dip
like an unstable weather pattern
where sunshine belies the coming storm.
A bright smile and clear eyes can spin off
into ominous gales.

I reach for the shards of light. Perhaps
a clue, perhaps…
Too quickly the shadows appear, again.
Just when I think I can forecast the triggers,
pinpoint the offending cloud, the light shifts
and I’m caught blinking helplessly in the clarity
of my ignorance.

~~~ Pam Patterson © 2006

One Small Triumph

2009-01-17T14:14:00.002-06:00

Our Connor hasn't had many large or small triumphs or ego-boosts in his 11 years. His elementary school years have been marked by sadness, frustration, struggle and social isolation. He has no peers, no friends, no invites, no academic or sports-related achievements.

It is said that, for children, the school years are a time for social interaction, forming friendships and for, hopefully, educational achievements. This is what the average child gets out of this growing-up venue.

Now in the fifth grade, Connor has had none of this incentive to like or even desire to attend school. It's often been a battle just to get him and keep him there. Last year, with the implementation of the new pilot program he's been a part of, things have slowly improved. This year has been marked with fewer behavior issues, increased learning and more time spent out of the contained classroom and more time in the general education setting before frustration sets in.

This week his school had the 4th and 5th grade spelling bee eliminations, the initial steps toward the national spelling bee. Thursday was my only day this week to not be subbing. Trish had the day off from work. About 9:30 we got a call from Connor's special ed. teacher saying that, much to her surprise, Connor wanted to participate in the 5th grade spelling bee to be held about 10:30. She said he knew we were home and wanted us to come see him.

It seems he had suddenly wanted to tryout in the 4th grade bee. She let him, he missed his word and had a tearful meltdown. After talking about how proud she was that he had even wanted to be a part of the spelling bee, and tips on how he should stop and think before trying to spell the word, he announced he intended to be a part of the one for his own grade.

His mom and I were delighted, not to mention shocked, that he would even attempt this leap outside his comfort zone. We sat proudly and watched him compete with 40+ of his fellow 5th graders. When he spelled his first word correctly, with great poise, we were thrilled! And so it went for another hour.

Connor was one of eight kids in the final elimination! !

When he did finally miss his word he handled it like a pro! By then, however, his feet weren't even touching the ground!! His mom was grinning ear to ear and I was in tears! His special education teachers past and present drifted in and out as they could and were grinning and squeezing our arms. When the bee was over the teachers and Connor's classmates clapped and cheered for him. There were high fives and fist bumps as Connor danced around with a smile that lit up the room!

This might not seem like much to others, but it was HUGE to us and to Connor. This was the first academic or any other real ego-boosting triumph of his entire life. And, it was his and his alone. It had nothing to do with Mama, or Pammy or anyone else. He took a risk, reached for something he wasn't sure he could excel at, something he had been defeated in only an hour before. He tried again and he soared.

Yes, he truly did soar! This was a shot of self-confidence that he can own, one that will carry him for some time to come!

Go Connor!!

A Wii Christmas

2008-12-25T20:00:00.005-06:00

It was a Wii Christmas and it was a fantastic Christmas! Living with boys whose moods are perpetual roller coasters one can never predict how any day will go, much less an emotionally packed day such as Christmas. There have been good Christmas' and not so good Christmas'.

This was a GREAT Christmas! Start to finish!

Sam divided his time between the Wii and his new bike and assorted other toys.

Connor, on the other hand, played on the Wii until he, basically, collapsed on the couch. Then he was up again until he suddenly announced he had to go to bed. He was asleep before his head hit the pillow!

Tomorrow my 15-year-old grandson flies in from San Antonio to spend the rest of the holidays with us. He got his learner's permit this summer. He plans to drive us home from the airport.... Prayers welcome!

Santa's Homeboys

2008-12-20T22:54:00.003-06:00

HO HO HO...Christmas is a go at our house! The spirit of the season is alive and livelier since winter break kicked into gear after an early-release day in the local elementary schools.

Last night I was unexpectedly treated to an evening of peace and quiet as the boys were treated to a night on the town with two young teachers that I work with (posing as angels) who kidnapped the boys to give me a break and them some fun! Talk about great friends!!

They went to see "The Tale of Despereaux" , then capped the evening's fun with a trip to a local mall. Brave girls, these friends of mine! But then, they are fantastic special education teachers. Fantastic and fearless!

The above photo of Santa and his homeboys was a gift to Trish and me. Loved it! Loved my time to piddle and putter around the house alone for the evening. The boys loved my friends and their night on the town. They behaved, followed directions and a good time was had by all.

Tonight was our annual viewing of Christmas lights. We grab some fast food and toured the neighborhoods known for spectacular lights and decorations. A friend that I work with has a house that is famous for its amazing light display set to music. Her husband is a musician, a very talented musician, I might add! He works on the display off and on year round. There are some 81,000 lights. It is truly something to behold! People stop and they serve hot chocolate. They also collect donations for soldiers and their families. My friend was featured on Good Morning Texas last week.

We stopped, visited with some of my friends, drank hot chocolate, then moved on to other displays and other neighborhoods. This was the first year that the boys held it together ( for the most part) the entire time. Usually, there's a meltdown by someone at some point with an abrupt and ugly end to what started out with good cheer and high spirits. After a couple of hours the back seat was becoming a battle ground of feet in a brother's seat and other personal space violations. We decided not to press our luck and end this year on a high note.

I plan to enjoy my several weeks of no alarm clock. My oldest grandson flies up from San Antonio for a week on the 26th. He got his learner's permit this summer. I've promised to let him drive home from the airport. This will be a new experience. I can't believe he's old enough (15) to drive! Time really flies. Seems it was only yesterday that I was driving to Temple ( half-way between San Antonio and Dallas ) to pick him up and bring him back --in his car seat--to stay for a few weeks.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all my friends and family! It would be perfect if only the rest of the country would SHARE some of its SNOW with me!!!!

Me Me Meme

2008-11-11T11:52:00.003-06:00

Hal tagged me, so here goes:

First the rules:

Link to the person who tagged you, and post the rules on your blog.
Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself.
Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.
Let people know they've been tagged by leaving comments on their blogs.

1. I probably believe in ghosts; I definitely believe in angels. I saw them when I was a kid.

2. Somewhere in someone's house there is a plaster cast of my boobs. Hey, I was young, I hung out with artists.

3. I've dated a very minor celebrity of sorts.

4. As intelligent as I am, in spite of the fact I graduated from college Magna Cum Laude, I took the same French course twice and didn't realize it until after I made a B the second time around, when I'd made an A the first time. Different professors. Don't ask. To this day I have to laugh and scratch my head.

5. My Ex-hubby threw up on me on our wedding night.

6. I was obsessed with Peter Pan when I was a kid. My favorite book/movie. I left notes to Peter on my window sill virtually every night until I was like 13.

7. I had my own radio show when I was in elementary school. I was the "Little Lady from SafetyLand".

OK, here are MY tags:

Kelly

Quid

Algernon

Raven

Donna

That's all I can think of at the moment. So, let's see what shakes out!

2008-11-09T18:29:00.004-06:00

My how time flies! Here's the 11-year-old birthday boy!

It was a good weekend, a good birthday for Connor. My son and his step-daughter arrived Friday afternoon right after I got home from school. Sam promptly developed an intense crush on his 17-year-old cousin. He dogged her constantly, rarely leaving her orbit.

Saturday morning the boys' grandfather arrived; and, after a short visit, my son, his father, Sam and the object of Sam's affection headed off for her softball tournament. Connor, Trish and I went to see "Madagascar 2". The day had actually started VERY early, as Connor tried to get me up at 3:30, then around 6. Birthday excitement.

He did enjoy his goodies and was off playing a new video game when his grandfather arrived. We pried him away from the game for the movie. After said movie, Connor promptly went back to doing what he loves most.....playing video games.

Sam, meanwhile, was walking on air, circling his new crush. He got to go with his grandfather, uncle and Mom to all the games but the one at 8-something last night. He was crushed..

The final two games were Sunday morning. Sam went with his uncle to the first one. After bringing us Starbucks coffee plus a brief visit with Trish, the boys' grandfather joined Sam and Jim at the game. My Ex was headed back to South Texas, where he's working at the moment, after spending a bit more time with Jim. Trish got ready for work while Connor and I headed for Wal-Mart to spend his birthday cash.

My son came back between the final two games to pack and load his Jeep so they could head for San Antonio after the last game. Sam had to say goodbye to his crush and sank into a major depression that lasted until one of his neighborhood buddies rang the doorbell some 30 min. later.

The boys and I climbed up in Connor's bed this afternoon to watch a couple of the DVDs he got. We had a popcorn and movie couple of hours.

It was a good weekend. Connor had a great birthday. Both my kids and the boys got to spend some quality time with their dad and granddad. Sam got a taste of 9-year-old infatuation and the fleeting pain of loss. I got to spend time with my son, which is rare these days with our schedules.

I start the new week with a smile in my heart.

Hurtling Into The Holiday Season!

2008-11-02T19:33:00.003-06:00

We blasted our way out of October and out of Daylight Savings Time. Now it's the mad dash to the end of the year! There will not be many pit stops along the way.

Looks like I'll be pretty much booked up subbing in Special Education depts. through December. Good for the pocketb00k, good for the mind, good for the body. The only negative is the stress factor and the pace. It's up at 5 AM and on my feet with my boys or other kids ( ALL high maintenance ) until 8 or 9 PM with little time to sit or even breathe!

I do enjoy the subbing. I enjoy the schools and staff I work with and I love the kids. Most of them in the various elementary schools I work in are familiar to me. I worked with the kids off and on for a number of years. I've worked with the CSC kids since Sept. I'll continue to work with these boys off and on the next several months. Not all day every day, but quite a bit. Enough that I won't have to miss them. :)

My two goblins are having a few issues that will be addressed at school and with their doctor this month. We got the final report on Connor's PPD testing back last week. In addition to his bipolar and anxiety disorders, he has atypical HFA (high-functioning Autism) and likely Aspergers.

Sam is struggling at school. He tests out much higher than he is performing in the classroom. His anxiety and separation disorders, his lack of confidence in his work is causing him problems. He has zero, and I mean ZERO executive functioning skills. Also, his ADHD is getting harder to manage throughout the day on his current meds. He is still really unfocused and scattered during school hours, especially the afternoon.

So, we're being pro-active and have a meeting set up at school week after next, to address these needs. Likely he will get an IEP and have support in the classroom and, possibly, can be pulled to resource when he needs extra help working to his capacity.

Sam is reading at 5th grade level and his math is grade level (3rd). This is his most difficult subject and he's been getting outside tutoring in it since 1st grade. His class work for all subjects doesn't reflect what he can do. 3rd grade is when they start the dreaded TAKS testing here. This is the grade they drop the pressure hammer on the kids. It's tough and stressful. So, it's an important year for Mr. Sam, and we don't want him to fall behind or get buried in the stress.

Connor has a birthday Saturday! He'll be 11. My son will also be up from San Antonio with his oldest step-daughter for a softball tourney.

Thanksgiving is just around the corner, then it's the Christmas Season and the slid into the new year. The rush is on!!

My Feelings, Exactly!

2008-10-12T11:57:00.002-05:00

This column by Rod Dreher in today's Dallas Morning News sums up my feelings, exactly, about the upcoming election.

Is it ever OK to refuse to vote on principle?

Knockout!

2008-10-10T16:10:00.003-05:00

Well, not really KO-ed. Nice shiner, though!

Yesterday was a rough day in the ring! I got an elbow to the cheekbone and, once again, saw stars! You could say it was/is painful!

Today I look a bit like the dog on the old Spanky and Our Gang. Or, more recently, Spuds McKenzie.

Today was another tough time in the trenches. TGIF! The weekend never looked so relaxing!!

School Daze, Round Two!

2008-10-02T21:28:00.003-05:00

Well....the mind and heart won over the old, aching body. I signed on for another month of crisis duty in what's classified as a Severe Classroom. Like I said, I've fallen for these kids. Also, my admiration for these teachers just increases daily!

I got smacked in the side of the head today! LOL! I saw stars, literally! You can't turn your back or take your eyes off the kids for a second! When thwarted, or even just for the heck of it, a blow from the hands or feet can come out of nowhere!

How truly frustrating to be non-verbal in a world of confusing sensory input and expectations! Sometimes it might, I suppose, be a kind of relief to hit your head or kick a wall, door or even another person. You can bang your head or bite yourself and be, in many instances, unable to tell the world what or how you feel. I can understand this on an intellectual basis. It breaks my heart.

I have to wonder what will happen to some of these kids when they get a bit older and the parents are unable to contain them or control them. Will they be moved into institutions or a group home? Will there be people like us to care about them to encourage them or access the person that lives within the behaviors and the disorders?

All I can do is marvel at these dedicated and loving teachers who work through and around the behaviors, the disorders, bring out the gold inside and channel it into learning. Teachers who channel the frustration into accomplishment. I will help them in this effort as long as I can.

Where one child can learn what other kids around his age can learn, although with much more effort and through different means, another might learn more life skills with less emphasis on academics.

It's challenging and, as I've said, rewarding. Two kids are becoming more verbal with a bit of prompting. One is, on good days, able to be in PE with his general education classmates. There have been several days lately where it was pretty much all about the behaviors. It was rough, chaotic and exhausting. We were more-or-less in survival mode. On these days there is no PE with other kids, no eating with our classmates in the cafeteria. On these days there is no walk around the school or time on the playground ( runners ).

But, there are the good days, the rewarding days. There are the days where laughter and cries of accomplishment erase the bad days. Except for the "smack", today was one of those days.

I wake up in the morning, refreshed, subdued back pain, looking forward to another day in the trenches of smiles, new words and new accomplishments. And, on a selfish note, it's a good feeling to know I'm making a difference in the lives of a few people in this particular little corner of the world.

I've led a pretty selfish life, on many levels. I've allowed myself to put "me" front and center waaaaaay too much. I've known for some years now that I make a difference in a couple of little boys' lives. Now I'm casting that net a bit wider to a few more little boys and a couple of fantastic young teachers.

It feels really good!

School Daze

2008-09-27T14:12:00.003-05:00

Life has been crazy and moving in fast forward since the new school year started. Right off the bat my usual special education teachers started calling and booking me for certain dates.

One of the schools I work with on a regular basis opened me to a new and challenging subbing opportunity: that of a crisis aide in a new CSC classroom. This is a classroom that's set up for children with severe autism who can't be mainstreamed into either a general education classroom or within the resource rooms of the special education departments.

There are 4 students in this classroom. All of them are, for the most part, non-verbal, or have limited verbal skills. One is not fully potty trained. They are unpredictable, runners (there are alarms on the doors), and often very aggressive. Body armor for the teachers would come in handy! I've already had my share of bruises.

This is not a classroom for the faint of heart. It is challenging, often dangerous, frustrating and chaotic. It can also be immensely rewarding. There are 2, young ( you'd have to be young to withstand this pace, physically, for any length of time) teachers for these 4 students. At the moment they are allowed a crisis aide for a week at a time. That's where I've come into the mix.

It isn't easy to find someone willing to sub in this rather high-risk environment. I've been there almost every day for the past month between other, already scheduled sub jobs. I've also subbed for one of the young teachers while she took a much- needed break. One day next week I'll go from aide to teacher sub for the other teacher as she takes a few days off.

To be honest I'm in awe of these 2 teachers. They are amazing with these kids! Patience and perseverance are the name of the game. They have the temperament, love and teaching skills to tap into the magic that lies beneath the behaviors and limitations. And, yes, I've seen, already, much of the magic these kids have inside, untapped, and just waiting for someone to find a way to reach into and mine.

And, yes, these kids get under your skin. Each of them is different and lovable and engaging in spite of the behaviors and limitations. They might be exhausting and challenging but they are easy to fall in love with. I've fallen in love.

I already know that once the district either ceases to allow them a crisis aide or permits the hiring of a permanent aide, I will come back to volunteer on days I'm not on other sub jobs or need to be doing something else. Even if only for a few hours on the days I can come. I know I'm the first choice if the district gives the OK for a permanent aide in the CSC classroom. I also know my limitations. I couldn't do this every day and then come home and take care of my own boys. When the kids in the classroom spin out of control or become unmanageable, 4 kids turn into 14! And, as is often the case, when one melts down the others feed off the ensuing chaos.

Being on my feet in this physically demanding environment all day, getting up at 5 am to get myself and the boys ready for school, coming home from school and then dealing with the demands of my boys and dogs until 8 pm is taking its toll on my body. My age and arthritis remind me that one person can only do so much. My mind says yes; the old body says "ARE YOU CRAZY???"

October and November are already full of sub jobs. December even has a couple already on the calendar. With the economy as iffy as it is at the moment it's good to know I've got extra money coming in.

Connor and Sam have started off the school year on an up note. Connor's had his rocky moments, but, compared to years past, this is progress. His contained classroom environment in his school has been a plus for him. The additional diagnosis (this past summer) of high-functioning or atypical Autism hasn't really presented any changes in his school environment. He's already in, what has turned out to be, the optimum environment for his learning.

Life has been so crazy and exhausting that I've not had much time to spend posting. I haven't really had that much down time, to be honest. I think I got more done a week or so ago on a day I had to stay home with Sam who had a nasty but brief stomach bug. Gave me a chance to get caught up a bit.

I've got a new appreciation for working mothers, for single moms and for the teachers who devote their lives to teaching the children who present so many overwhelming challenges. I have to, once again, hand it to my particular school district. There are many failing districts all over the state and country. This is not one of them. My ISD cares about educating ALL kids and puts this caring into visible action. I see my tax dollars at work, in this instance, every day!

Speaking of digits...

2008-09-20T19:56:00.000-05:00

You Are the Index Finger

You are ambitious, driven, and capable.

You aren't afraid to take responsibility for your actions - or place the blame on whoever deserves it.

You are honest, free thinking, and objective. You see things in your own way - and you aren't afraid to let everyone know about it.

You get along well with: The Thumb

Stay away from: The Ring Finger

What Finger Are You?

My handbag says I'm Schizophrenic

2008-09-19T20:05:00.000-05:00

What Your Handbag Says About You

You tend to be relaxed throughout the day. You are naturally at peace.

You are a high maintenance person. You feel lost outside of your normal environment.

You are open and comfortable with who you are. You don't hide anything.

You are a very creative person. Your life tends to be a whirlwind, but you always seem to pull it together.

You are practical and down to earth. You tend to be a rather reserved and quiet person.

You are an outgoing and expressive person. You always speak your mind, and you're very approachable.

What Does Your Handbag Say About You?

Speaking of Weather.....

2008-09-14T18:47:00.003-05:00

In keeping with the turbulant weather of the weekend....

You Are Lightning

Beautiful yet dangerous

People will stop and watch you when you appear

Even though you're capable of random violence

You are best known for: your power

Your dominant state: performing

What Type of Weather Are You?

Back-to-School-Time Starts Monday...

2008-08-24T14:15:00.003-05:00

When I climbed out of bed this morning at about 8:00, after lingering for a half-hour luxuriating in the knowledge that I didn't have to bounce out of bed, and, while dreading the inescapable fact that tomorrow is the first day of school and the alarm will rudely force me into consciousness at 5 or 5:30 AM, I sighed, and, briefly, wished I could turn back the clock to June.

Briefly is the operative word. The good things about the start of the new school year probably outweigh the negatives. I just need to get mind and body clock back into school mode.

Speaking of beds, I found this fun blogthing.

What Your Bed Says About You

Outward appearances are very important to you. You do your best to look good and have an attractive home.

You are an organized and disciplined person. You do the right thing because you want to, not because people expect you to.

You are very high maintenance. You like everything a certain way, and you're grumpy if things aren't the way you like them.

In relationships, you tend to be quite dominant. You enjoy taking charge.

You tend to be a down to earth, practical person. You think in terms of what is actual.

You are a bit of a homebody, but you can also make yourself at home anywhere.

What Does Your Bed Say About You?

Let the Parties Begin!

2008-08-22T12:32:00.003-05:00

There ya go.... your tax dollars at work, folks! We kick off in Denver next week, then on to the mega Republican bashes.

Yep, we, the taxpayers, are shelling out $17million bucks to each Party for these 4-day campaign ads.

The economy is suffering, we taxpayers are struggling to make ends meet, but the favored and monied will be partying and playing, to a large extent, on our dimes, for the next several weeks!

There are just some years when these extravaganza seem excessive and leave a bad taste in the mouth. In this, seemingly, endless election season I don't think we really need our tax dollars being spent on this in an effort to 'get to know' our candidates.

Unless you live under a rock, there is no American who doesn't know who the candidates are, and, basically, what their talking points are.

Our tax dollars could be better spent.

What Font Are You?

2008-08-13T17:49:00.002-05:00

Ok, here ya go. Ever wonder what font you'd be?

You Are Arial Black

You are bold, over the top, and quite loud.

You'll stand up and stand up to get your point across.

Subtlety isn't really your thing. You sometimes come off as crass and abrasive.

You're not as passionate as people might think. You just enjoy overwhelming other people!

What Font Are You?