Behind His Eyes

My sister alerted me to a fellow blog friend's entry this week that touched on the roller coaster life of a family with a bipolar child. This journey we are on is fraught with frustration, heartbreak, challenges that often seem insurmountable. There are also many joys and milestones along the way. Our Connor just had his first real triumph, recently. I shared his spelling bee success with my friends and family on here.

I thought I would share, once more, the poem I wrote for and about Connor several years ago. I think it touches a chord in any family member who lives with a child or adult who has bipolar disorder.

(For Connor)

Behind his eyes,
blue as the sky on a summer day
turmoil churns like
a wall cloud before the
tornado drops.
To decipher the emotional landscape
is to probe the depths of uncharted territory.

I’m no cartographer.

I tread gently, blindly.
I fumble as I try to read the Braille of his psyche;
but, I can’t see past the shadows.
His highs and lows rise and dip
like an unstable weather pattern
where sunshine belies the coming storm.
A bright smile and clear eyes can spin off
into ominous gales.

I reach for the shards of light. Perhaps
a clue, perhaps…
Too quickly the shadows appear, again.
Just when I think I can forecast the triggers,
pinpoint the offending cloud, the light shifts
and I’m caught blinking helplessly in the clarity
of my ignorance.

~~~ Pam Patterson © 2006

One Small Triumph

Our Connor hasn't had many large or small triumphs or ego-boosts in his 11 years. His elementary school years have been marked by sadness, frustration, struggle and social isolation. He has no peers, no friends, no invites, no academic or sports-related achievements.

It is said that, for children, the school years are a time for social interaction, forming friendships and for, hopefully, educational achievements. This is what the average child gets out of this growing-up venue.

Now in the fifth grade, Connor has had none of this incentive to like or even desire to attend school. It's often been a battle just to get him and keep him there. Last year, with the implementation of the new pilot program he's been a part of, things have slowly improved. This year has been marked with fewer behavior issues, increased learning and more time spent out of the contained classroom and more time in the general education setting before frustration sets in.

This week his school had the 4th and 5th grade spelling bee eliminations, the initial steps toward the national spelling bee. Thursday was my only day this week to not be subbing. Trish had the day off from work. About 9:30 we got a call from Connor's special ed. teacher saying that, much to her surprise, Connor wanted to participate in the 5th grade spelling bee to be held about 10:30. She said he knew we were home and wanted us to come see him.

It seems he had suddenly wanted to tryout in the 4th grade bee. She let him, he missed his word and had a tearful meltdown. After talking about how proud she was that he had even wanted to be a part of the spelling bee, and tips on how he should stop and think before trying to spell the word, he announced he intended to be a part of the one for his own grade.

His mom and I were delighted, not to mention shocked, that he would even attempt this leap outside his comfort zone. We sat proudly and watched him compete with 40+ of his fellow 5th graders. When he spelled his first word correctly, with great poise, we were thrilled! And so it went for another hour.

Connor was one of eight kids in the final elimination! !

When he did finally miss his word he handled it like a pro! By then, however, his feet weren't even touching the ground!! His mom was grinning ear to ear and I was in tears! His special education teachers past and present drifted in and out as they could and were grinning and squeezing our arms. When the bee was over the teachers and Connor's classmates clapped and cheered for him. There were high fives and fist bumps as Connor danced around with a smile that lit up the room!

This might not seem like much to others, but it was HUGE to us and to Connor. This was the first academic or any other real ego-boosting triumph of his entire life. And, it was his and his alone. It had nothing to do with Mama, or Pammy or anyone else. He took a risk, reached for something he wasn't sure he could excel at, something he had been defeated in only an hour before. He tried again and he soared.

Yes, he truly did soar! This was a shot of self-confidence that he can own, one that will carry him for some time to come!

Go Connor!!

A Wii Christmas

It was a Wii Christmas and it was a fantastic Christmas! Living with boys whose moods are perpetual roller coasters one can never predict how any day will go, much less an emotionally packed day such as Christmas. There have been good Christmas' and not so good Christmas'.

This was a GREAT Christmas! Start to finish!

Sam divided his time between the Wii and his new bike and assorted other toys.

Connor, on the other hand, played on the Wii until he, basically, collapsed on the couch. Then he was up again until he suddenly announced he had to go to bed. He was asleep before his head hit the pillow!

Tomorrow my 15-year-old grandson flies in from San Antonio to spend the rest of the holidays with us. He got his learner's permit this summer. He plans to drive us home from the airport.... Prayers welcome!

Santa's Homeboys

HO HO HO...Christmas is a go at our house! The spirit of the season is alive and livelier since winter break kicked into gear after an early-release day in the local elementary schools.

Last night I was unexpectedly treated to an evening of peace and quiet as the boys were treated to a night on the town with two young teachers that I work with (posing as angels) who kidnapped the boys to give me a break and them some fun! Talk about great friends!!

They went to see "The Tale of Despereaux" , then capped the evening's fun with a trip to a local mall. Brave girls, these friends of mine! But then, they are fantastic special education teachers. Fantastic and fearless!

The above photo of Santa and his homeboys was a gift to Trish and me. Loved it! Loved my time to piddle and putter around the house alone for the evening. The boys loved my friends and their night on the town. They behaved, followed directions and a good time was had by all.

Tonight was our annual viewing of Christmas lights. We grab some fast food and toured the neighborhoods known for spectacular lights and decorations. A friend that I work with has a house that is famous for its amazing light display set to music. Her husband is a musician, a very talented musician, I might add! He works on the display off and on year round. There are some 81,000 lights. It is truly something to behold! People stop and they serve hot chocolate. They also collect donations for soldiers and their families. My friend was featured on Good Morning Texas last week.

We stopped, visited with some of my friends, drank hot chocolate, then moved on to other displays and other neighborhoods. This was the first year that the boys held it together ( for the most part) the entire time. Usually, there's a meltdown by someone at some point with an abrupt and ugly end to what started out with good cheer and high spirits. After a couple of hours the back seat was becoming a battle ground of feet in a brother's seat and other personal space violations. We decided not to press our luck and end this year on a high note.

I plan to enjoy my several weeks of no alarm clock. My oldest grandson flies up from San Antonio for a week on the 26th. He got his learner's permit this summer. I've promised to let him drive home from the airport. This will be a new experience. I can't believe he's old enough (15) to drive! Time really flies. Seems it was only yesterday that I was driving to Temple ( half-way between San Antonio and Dallas ) to pick him up and bring him back --in his car seat--to stay for a few weeks.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all my friends and family! It would be perfect if only the rest of the country would SHARE some of its SNOW with me!!!!

Me Me Meme

Hal tagged me, so here goes:

First the rules:

• 
  Link to the person who tagged you, and post the rules on your blog.
• 
  Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself.
• 
  Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.
• 
  Let people know they've been tagged by leaving comments on their blogs.

1. I probably believe in ghosts; I definitely believe in angels. I saw them when I was a kid.

2. Somewhere in someone's house there is a plaster cast of my boobs. Hey, I was young, I hung out with artists.

3. I've dated a very minor celebrity of sorts.

4. As intelligent as I am, in spite of the fact I graduated from college Magna Cum Laude, I took the same French course twice and didn't realize it until after I made a B the second time around, when I'd made an A the first time. Different professors. Don't ask. To this day I have to laugh and scratch my head.

5. My Ex-hubby threw up on me on our wedding night.

6. I was obsessed with Peter Pan when I was a kid. My favorite book/movie. I left notes to Peter on my window sill virtually every night until I was like 13.

7. I had my own radio show when I was in elementary school. I was the "Little Lady from SafetyLand".

OK, here are MY tags:

Kelly

Quid

Algernon

Raven

Donna

That's all I can think of at the moment. So, let's see what shakes out!

My how time flies! Here's the 11-year-old birthday boy!

It was a good weekend, a good birthday for Connor. My son and his step-daughter arrived Friday afternoon right after I got home from school. Sam promptly developed an intense crush on his 17-year-old cousin. He dogged her constantly, rarely leaving her orbit.

Saturday morning the boys' grandfather arrived; and, after a short visit, my son, his father, Sam and the object of Sam's affection headed off for her softball tournament. Connor, Trish and I went to see "Madagascar 2". The day had actually started VERY early, as Connor tried to get me up at 3:30, then around 6. Birthday excitement.

He did enjoy his goodies and was off playing a new video game when his grandfather arrived. We pried him away from the game for the movie. After said movie, Connor promptly went back to doing what he loves most.....playing video games.

Sam, meanwhile, was walking on air, circling his new crush. He got to go with his grandfather, uncle and Mom to all the games but the one at 8-something last night. He was crushed..

The final two games were Sunday morning. Sam went with his uncle to the first one. After bringing us Starbucks coffee plus a brief visit with Trish, the boys' grandfather joined Sam and Jim at the game. My Ex was headed back to South Texas, where he's working at the moment, after spending a bit more time with Jim. Trish got ready for work while Connor and I headed for Wal-Mart to spend his birthday cash.

My son came back between the final two games to pack and load his Jeep so they could head for San Antonio after the last game. Sam had to say goodbye to his crush and sank into a major depression that lasted until one of his neighborhood buddies rang the doorbell some 30 min. later.

The boys and I climbed up in Connor's bed this afternoon to watch a couple of the DVDs he got. We had a popcorn and movie couple of hours.

It was a good weekend. Connor had a great birthday. Both my kids and the boys got to spend some quality time with their dad and granddad. Sam got a taste of 9-year-old infatuation and the fleeting pain of loss. I got to spend time with my son, which is rare these days with our schedules.

I start the new week with a smile in my heart.

Hurtling Into The Holiday Season!

We blasted our way out of October and out of Daylight Savings Time. Now it's the mad dash to the end of the year! There will not be many pit stops along the way.

Looks like I'll be pretty much booked up subbing in Special Education depts. through December. Good for the pocketb00k, good for the mind, good for the body. The only negative is the stress factor and the pace. It's up at 5 AM and on my feet with my boys or other kids ( ALL high maintenance ) until 8 or 9 PM with little time to sit or even breathe!

I do enjoy the subbing. I enjoy the schools and staff I work with and I love the kids. Most of them in the various elementary schools I work in are familiar to me. I worked with the kids off and on for a number of years. I've worked with the CSC kids since Sept. I'll continue to work with these boys off and on the next several months. Not all day every day, but quite a bit. Enough that I won't have to miss them. :)

My two goblins are having a few issues that will be addressed at school and with their doctor this month. We got the final report on Connor's PPD testing back last week. In addition to his bipolar and anxiety disorders, he has atypical HFA (high-functioning Autism) and likely Aspergers.

Sam is struggling at school. He tests out much higher than he is performing in the classroom. His anxiety and separation disorders, his lack of confidence in his work is causing him problems. He has zero, and I mean ZERO executive functioning skills. Also, his ADHD is getting harder to manage throughout the day on his current meds. He is still really unfocused and scattered during school hours, especially the afternoon.

So, we're being pro-active and have a meeting set up at school week after next, to address these needs. Likely he will get an IEP and have support in the classroom and, possibly, can be pulled to resource when he needs extra help working to his capacity.

Sam is reading at 5th grade level and his math is grade level (3rd). This is his most difficult subject and he's been getting outside tutoring in it since 1st grade. His class work for all subjects doesn't reflect what he can do. 3rd grade is when they start the dreaded TAKS testing here. This is the grade they drop the pressure hammer on the kids. It's tough and stressful. So, it's an important year for Mr. Sam, and we don't want him to fall behind or get buried in the stress.

Connor has a birthday Saturday! He'll be 11. My son will also be up from San Antonio with his oldest step-daughter for a softball tourney.

Thanksgiving is just around the corner, then it's the Christmas Season and the slid into the new year. The rush is on!!